THE FEAR OF DEATH

How would you like to spend your retirement? On the quiet, in your humble home in some far way village called hometown? Let’s say this place is called Nkawie. Or would you rather spend it in the city?

How would you feel if you went on retirement and the only thing you hear on the radio is complaints, allegations, insults and insinuations against you, for something you did or did not do whilst in office?

Would you go on air as well, and defend yourself and your actions, or would you rather go for re-engagement to enable you do the things you failed to do, or to undo the things you weren’t supposed to do?

You might as well damn your critiques, and pretend to be deaf, dumb and blind. Perhaps, that would be the best option for you, if you don’t want to annoy your critiques and affected persons the more.

But what if there is the likelihood of someone dragging you to the law courts for your past actions and inactions whilst in office? What if your subordinates, with your permission, did some stupid things, which they now have to answer, and for which reason your name has been mentioned? Don’t you think you will not find retirement easy and refreshing at all?

Sometimes, I wonder what sort skin, our ex-Presidents and ex-Ministers have. Hippopotamus skin, rhinoceros or elephant skin? You see, I wonder how they manage to eat, smile and sleep soundly with their ex-first ladies.

Do you remember in 2001, soon after the ‘overthrow’ of NDC-1? I think Peace FM or some other FM station in Accra opened their phone lines to enable listeners air their views about the out-gone Rawlings administration, and come and see something. ‘Nyimpa ye mobor oooo! Hei, JJ of all people, being ‘twaad adapaa’ like this?

Insults, expletives, insinuations, aspersions, castigations, innuendoes, ahorba, ayeyaw, enyi annso, adapaa twa, atem didie,! Remember Jesse Jones’ song ‘adapaa twa nkoaa nie’? eheeee, it was like that.

Tell you what, don’t envy these big men you see on TV with motorcades, fatty ex-gratia, numerous Gizelles and Helenas, etc. You have no idea what goes on in their minds, knowing every single Ghanaian blames them for one reason or the other.

Come to think of it, with all these insults, insinuations and whatever, don’t you think we should leave these crooked politicians to their fate without any threats of legal proceedings? What worse punishment can our judiciary system mete out to say Kuffour for the harm he caused us as a nation? Don’t you think what you hear on radio, see on TV and read din the newspapers on a daily basis is ok as a punishment? Remember these men and women have families, and they also listen to radio, watch TV, and read newspapers.

Sometimes I wonder how anyone would think Uncle Atta is pampering members of the Looting Brigade, by subjecting them to the rule of law, committees, etc., instead of subjecting them to buga-buga. I tell you, Uncle Atta’ method could be more excruciating than sending them through buga-buga system.

Do you think some of these men sleep easy? Do you think they have the luxury of looking beyond say two or three years, walking as free persons? At least aren’t we witnesses to the dropping of Asa Bee and family on their way to political honeymoon? Can anyone tell me, this is a nice experience?

Why do you think Aliu is calling on the NDC government to expedite the trial of all members of the former administration, suspected of financial malfeasance? I tell you, people are not sleeping easy at all, for as the pastors would tell you, “it is not over until it is over”

Forget about all the fake and plastic smiles Asa Bee and his wife try to show the cameras and their foolish supporters and P.I.C sympathisers at the law courts. No prison is as foolproof as ones own conscience. You see, you can never run away from your own conscience, and that is a fact.

Also, with the unfolding events vis-à-vis Vodafone contract, etc, and with the threat of possible legal implications, does anyone think Kuffour walks about as a free man, at least in his mind? Forget about the fake smiles, and claims of international recognition and appointments. They only tend to give us wrong signals, but these things don’t matter in a court of competent jurisdiction. He is rather a victim of judicial torment, as accusing fingers always point at him for this or that. It’s just a matter of time.

And even, all this is in spite of the fact that no ‘Kweku Baako’ has yet been dispatched to Switzerland to investigate any hidden monies in any Swiss Bank, as the NPP did to Rawlings. Can you imagine if Mills decides to investigate all the allegations against Kuffour, such as the palace in Morocco? What about the one in Virginia? Need I mention his secret investments in oil? What about all those foreign companies fronting for him and his family? What about the true story behind Hotel de Waa-Waa?

You see, the blow which is inevitably yours, if early taken, extricates you from further torrential hostilities.. The Akans would say “sotor a oben wo no, wogyen’ preko” Muntaka, Yankey, and others should be thanking their stars that their case was given swift attention by the President, who happens to be their own president. Can anyone imagine what is going on in the minds of Mpiani and Brobbey, as to why they rubbished the call by the NPP-dominated parliament to render account of their stewarsdship in 2007?

Who doesn’t know that living in the fear of death, is worse than death itself?

I tell you, Ghana aye pinzooooooooooooooooooo!

COMMITTEE TO PROBE COMMITEES

A newly qualified Catechist arrived at his first station, only to realize to his chagrin, that there were a lot of issues that needed urgent attention. He decided to apply whatever knowledge he had acquired in seminary, to solve the myriad of problems. He started with the setting up committees to look into the various issues.

As a result, all sorts of committees kept springing up, and at a point in time, almost every member of the congregation was a member of one committee or the other.

He appeared pleased with himself, as he assessed the progress made so far, as a result of the committees. But unknown to him, one elderly woman who had been with the congregation all her life, and was so incensed with the trend of events, was burning red hot within her.

One Sunday after the sermon, she got up and, to a loud applause expressed her indignation about the series of committees, which has resulted in every member of the congregation belonging to this or that committee.

There was dead silence after her remarks, and all eyes were on the Catechist. Was he going to dissolve these committees? Was he going to halt the setting up of committees? Was he going to defend the setting up of committees? Was he going to chastise the old lady for daring to challenge his wisdom? Was he going to commend the old lady for her bold attempt to speak her mind? He got up, cleared his throat, and responded with the same shrill voice thus:

“Thank you very much for drawing my attention. In fact, I shall set up another committee to look into your complaint”

The message is clear; “two heads are better than one”. And I am sure Uncle Atta, the Fante man I know, would say, “tsi kor mmpam”

Yes, that is the beauty of democracy. What is wrong in consulting with equally level-headed Ghanaians in order to arrive at decisions which result would be in the best interest of Ghanaians? Have we forgotten so soon, that we have moved from the era of military dictatorship?

Are we happy that Kuffour in 2001, single-handedly took the decision to import Peugeot cars for the Ghana Police Service, with the sweaty taxpayers’ money, only for the cars to break down within two years? Don’t you think with proper consultation, we could have purchased a more robust vehicle for the Police, in view of the nature of their work? Now tell me, where are Peugeot cars? Don’t you think it is waste of our meager resources?

Again, are we happy Kuffour, took it upon himself to single-handedly negotiate the sale of Ghana Telecom, and as a result, short-changing poor Ghanaians to a whopping US$700 million?

You see, who in Ghana is not happy that various sorts of committees would be set up to look into the rot and thievery that was visited on our country between 2001 and 2008, if he or she had no hand in it?

Who in Ghana would not be happy that we have a leader who believes in tapping the rich expertise and experience of well-endowed Ghanaians, in order to move the nation forward in the right direction?

What is wrong with not being autocratic? “Atta sa kyere osono a, ennye ne fe” indeed!

In any case, is the setting up committees not part of the responsibilities that the 1992 constitution imposes on the President, whenever there is the need to do so? Did the issue of committees start with the Mills’ administration?

Who doesn’t remember the number of committees that sprang up soon after the overthrow of Kwame Nkrumah by the Danquah/Busia party? Didn’t all the Supreme Court Judges both retired and active become committee members or chairpersons overnight?

Does anyone remember names such as Akuffo-Addo, Sarkodie-Addo, Ollennu, Mills-Odoi, Azu-Crabbe, Lassey, Siriboe, Bruce-Lyle, Prah, Apaloo, Van-Lare, Taylor, etc? All these persons instantly became members and chairpersons of investigative committees, probing the erstwhile Nkrumah regime.

Need I remind Ghanaians of the frivolous nature and mandate of most of these committees, such as investigating whether Nkrumah borrowed an amount of ?2,500 from a Takoradi based lady who claimed to be his mistress prior to his marriage to Fathia?

Yes, this silly allegation had to be investigated. Since when did borrowing money from your girlfriend become a crime in Ghana, or elsewhere? And to think the incidence even happened prior to his assuming office as Prime Minister, makes you want to puke!

There were a number of Justices of the Supreme Court and renowned legal practitioners who were appointed to sit on what one would call senseless committees. Incidentally, most of these judges and lawyers were leading members of the Danquah/Busia party, whose brainchild is the NPP.

See who is talking! What guts! What nerves! What effrontery!

What frivolous committees didn’t we see under the Kuffour administration? What benefit did we gain as a nation, from even the much-trumpeted Ghana Reconciliation Committee, apart from the desperate attempt to score cheap political points for the NPP? Are we more reconciled as a nation afterwards, or are we further divided? That should be the yardstick in measuring the usefulness or the futility of the so-called reconciliation.

You see, it is as a result of issues such as these that compelled Nana Acheampong to sing “…annka ebeye den na aye wo ya….” Remember that song? I remember I bought the cassette not less than five times, thanks to car washing bay thieves!

It is these same issues that turned JJ into a high-life artiste in 1997 when he launched his debut album “woo ka no koraa, na meeye no more”

Uncle Atta, please listen! You are accused of setting up too many committees. Yes, the NPP claim the committees are becoming too many. What do you?

I humbly entreat you to set up another committee to investigate the matter!

NDC TO CELEBRATE GHANA @ 50 NEXT YEAR

I know you won’t believe this, but it is true. 2010 shall be Ghana’s 50 years as a Republic, and as usual, it shall be well observed, with the pomp and pageantry it deserves. Jubilee no be small. Remember Mpiani even quoted a verse from the Holy Bible to prove this?

Yes, the NDC shall celebrate Ghana @ 50 next year. You are wondering why? Oh they want to show Ghanaians ‘how not to waste money’.

My information is that the controversial Ghana @ 50 shall be re-celebrated, to show Ghanaians how modest the NPP should have handled the Jubilee celebration in 2007, which resulted in huge losses, crazy ostentation, stupid administrative lapses, etc.

But you see, who shall take the place of Mpiani and Wereko Brobbey? I tell you, no matter how meticulous and modest this one is handled, whoever shall be in charge of the celebration, shall certainly face his ‘Douse’ whenever the NPP comes back to power.

As a result, the NDC is at its wits end, desperately trying to find someone who shall agree to head the secretariat. From all indications, no one appears willing to do so. haba! Have you forgotten the saying “innyim owu a, hwe nda”? You think what is happening to Wereko Brobbey cannot happen to you?

But to minimise losses and ensure maximum efficiency, some people are suggesting we give the contract to Mpiani and Wereko Brobbey, since they are seasoned celebrators of Ghana @ 50s. besides, their nephews have auto companies from whom they can buy all the luxury cars in the world, and even give them 20% discounts as ‘akonta sekan’.

Besides, these men don’t fear huuuu. After all, they know their fate, so even if they make another mistake, and another Douse Commission finds them guilty of any wrongdoing, their punishments would run concurrently!!

In fact, t would be in the best interest of the NDC to allow these men to do it, as President Mills, as modest as he is, would make the celebration dull. For instance, there shall be palm-wine instead of champagne, banku instead of fried rice, government bungalows instead of Presidential Villas, taxis instead of Chryslers, Jaguars, etc. instead of drinking cups for school pupils, there shall be asked to go to the farm to get their own ‘kora’, or call it calabash. The most annoying aspect of it all is that the CEO and his staff shall not take any per diem or salary.

After the celebration, and come the NPP in say year 2050, they shall institute a probe into the re-celebration of Ghana @ 50, and enquired about why the NDC government failed to make the occasion extravagant, pomp and pageantry!

I shall be back!

IS SHE A HE, OR IS HE A SHE?

Wondering who I am talking about? Oh have you forgotten so soon, the South African teenager, who shocked the world with her….or sorry….with his(?) neck-breaking speed at the just ended AAT competition? Her name……oh sorry….his(?) name is…..Caster Semanya

Poor girl…oh sorry….poor boy(?)! What was her offence? She was able to run so fact, she was able to improve on her speed so fast, she became an object of suspicion. Yes, in this modern day, you could be suspected of not being a man or woman, depending on how you do things.

Fairness appears to have lost its meaning. What determines a person’s gender? I thought the basic criterion is the possession of either the stick or the entertainment centre? Yes, that’s why I call myself a woman and not a man, even though I believe I can beat the hell out of my husband.

I believe my neighbours would start suspecting that I am a man, for ‘doing what men do’, if ever dared lay my hands on my husband. I also believe they start suspecting that my husband is actually a woman.

If a sportsman or woman’s performance could cast doubts on his or her gender, why don’t the authorities subject all sportsmen to the test before, since some of them might not even know their ‘true genders’? Can we say the man who took the last position in the Men’s 400-meter race is a woman simply his speed was slow?

In any case, since all the women who run with Semanya could run faster than most men, why don’t we have to suspect that they were all males? Why don’t we suspect that all those men who cannot run faster than these women are rather females?

You see, something doesn’t make sense. May be I am not being sensible enough, but it is because the sensible ones have failed to show me enough sense.

I personally took interest in this lady’s case, and wanted to fly to South Africa to defend her. You know what? If this nonsense is allowed to prevail, one could never be sure of his or her gender.

Yes, if Semanya is a man, as they want us to believe, can she ‘do what men do’? is a person’s gender determined only by the ability to produce babies? What of all the infertile women and impotent or sterile men around? Is the gender of a person determined by the presence or absence of ‘shankus’, boobs, etc?

I used to enjoy tennis a lot, and have always admired Serena Williams and her sister, but not anymore. Do you see their arms, shoulders and physical features? What about Flo-Jo, the runner? I tell you, about 30% of so-called males do not even possess those masculine features these ladies possess. Yet they are classified as women? Is it because they are Americans? What is so distinct about Semanya, that these ladies do not have? And yet Semanya is singled out?

Semanya’s issue is a purely a racial issue, and I thought Africans would rally to her defence. Can you believe someone can accuse you of being a woman, instead of a man, simply because your genes possess more of the feminine hormones than masculine hormones, and as a result, even with your well-endowed stick, you could still be referred to as a woman?

And all this hypocrisy is in spite of the fact that we have men and women who voluntarily undergo sex change, to become men rather than women, or women rather than men. And society accord them the due recognition of their new status!

I heard a genetics expert explain on BBC. He made a lot of sense anyway. He said gender sex is merely the possession of either the stick or ‘entertainment centre’, whilst genetic sex is the possession of more of either the female hormones or the male hormones. He went on to explain that the sex of a person is determined principally by the genetic rather than the gender sex.

Whilst gender sex can be easily verified by looking at the ‘centre-circle’ of the person, genetic sex can only be verified after a series of tests, which equipment and experts are not available in most hospitals, especially in Africa! How then do we determine our individual sexes?

If genetic sex supersedes gender sex, then is it not appropriate to subject all of us to test, to be sure who we are? I believe this ought to have been done right after birth, in order to establish our gender, so that our parents could rightly name us Kwabena instead of Abena.

In short, it doesn’t matter whether you call yourself Mr. Antwi or Mrs. Atiemo. It doesn’t mater whether you possess a stick or an ‘entertainment centre’. It doesn’t matter how you look like. Anyone can challenge you with regards to your true gender. You could be a male living the life of a female, or a female living the life of a male. Can you imagine that?

For that matter, it is possible we have so many lesbians or gays walking about as Mr. and Mrs. In fact, your girlfriend could rather be a boy, whilst you are the girlfriend. You need to do the test first, else, you cannot never be sure.

Did you have a girl who was strong and adventurous? She could be a boy. Did you have a boyfriend who was soft and ‘Dada ba’? He could be a girl. You allowed a girl to screw you. Yet you speak against lesbianism? It’s possible you and your wife are gays, and that she is not a woman as you think. Hope I am not annoying you?

Next time you are filling a form or responding to an advert for female shop assistants, be careful not to rush in, but to go for a test first, else your employer could sue you for misrepresentation of vital facts or dishonesty, if he suspects you are male!

I shall be back!

BAN CORRUPT POLITICIANS

When we were in primary school, discipline extended far beyond the classroom, to our homes, and even, in the field of sports. Those were the days when a teacher could recall a non-performing player from the field, administer some lashes to his buttocks and send him or her back to the field of play. You think the player would be angry and refuse to play? You are wrong.

I tell you, it was realised that the performance of the entire team improved dramatically and instantaneously as soon this lashing took place, since no one wanted to be the next ‘victim’.

You might also wonder who in his rightful mind would want to sacrifice his services and talents free of charge to the school, only to be flogged and disgraced before the entire spectators, most of whom were his village folks, but you are wrong again.

I tell you, if you were a boy and you wanted a girlfriend, you had to prove your worth by being part of the school team. Sportsmen were the darling boys in school. They had nicknames, they were popular everywhere, your parents would love them, and they were energetic in every aspect!

It was highly beneficial to be in the school team. It offered you the opportunity to travel outside for inter-schools, excursions, etc. and if you have any idea how home discipline in our time was, your best day, is a day spent outside home. Yes, because apart from the fun, the freedom also gave you the opportunity to do some cuchee-cuchee with your lovey-lovey!

Yes, it is for all these that the flogging and embarrassment meted to non-performing sportsmen meant nothing to all those who knew the benefits of being in the school team.

In our political life as Ghanaians, instances of corruption have always been part of us. Various governments have tried to deal with the problem by jailing offending officers. Some have also been dismissed or prevailed upon to resign, etc.

But it appears these measures are not stringent enough. How on earth would anyone do some of the things we hear on radio, watch on TV and read in the papers? Why hasn’t the system been able to change our social behaviour as politicians?

Watching CNN the other time, I got this funny idea; why would anyone want to be the President of modern day Somalia or Afghanistan? You know, the Somali President is confined to only his palace, and a small portion of the capital only. One wonders how he manages to call himself a President of Somalia. I believe he even sleeps with one eye open, as security threats constantly and menacingly stare him in the face.

What about Afghanistan? Did I hear Hamid Karazi and Dr. Abdulla fighting to become President? Who would have thought that Karzai would rig elections in order to hang on as President of this war and terror-ravaged country? Did you watch how they went about campaigning prior to the elections? How funny, you might say.

But you see, politicians are political animals, who never want to quit. They enjoy the game, the popularity, the money, the fringes, the power and all that comes with holding political office. For this reason, they are always ready to brave the storm to be in control.

Guess what? I wish to suggest to Uncle Atta to introduce a bill that would seek to ban persons found to have abused their political office, from holding public office for say ten or fifteen years! Yes, that is what I intend to suggest to the corruption-fighting President.

I believe this would be a very effective way of instilling discipline and deterring otherwise gullible politicians from falling into corruption and abuse of office. You see, every politician want to reach the top, and how severe a blow it would be, to be banned from holding public office!

I tell you, they will comport themselves immediately the Act is passed. But you know the problem the President would face, with regards to the passage of the bill? NPP parliamentarians, who have something to hide, would scream against it, that it is the President/NDC’s way of banning political opponents from coming to power.

The NDC parliamentarians on the other shall also be divided. The corrupt ones would vote against it, for fear of being ‘victims’ of the very laws they have passed, should the party lose the next elections. They might even fear the President would use it as a tool to ensure loyalty and total obeisance, as paaaa-paaaaa MPs and Ministers could be subjects of investigation, on some frivolous charges, which could end up in being banned from politics.

That is why I suspect my suggestion shall only remain in my ‘adwen bone’ head.

I shall be back!

EVEN PEACOCKS?

Yes, do you remember Atongo’s Duraplast advert? I mean the one Sammy B says “even space”. Yes, it has manifested itself in our body politic too, believe it or not.

I wonder who renamed the New Patriotic Party, the Looting Brigade. But I tell you, the person ought to be working at the Registrar Generals Department, for how could he have conjectured such a befitting name for the party? Remember the basic principle in naming a business is to make it catchy and suggestive of the type of business, and that’s what the person did.

Now did I hear the NPP even went to the extent of taking peacocks that didn’t belong to them? Don’t be surprised about my choice of words. Stealing has vanished from our vocabulary since the NPP left office. You know the NPP now claim stealing is not stealing, but the act of taking what doesn’t belong to you. That is why I refused to use the word.

Remember the man called Sakyi-Hughes? Yes, the former speaker of parliament! He took what did not belong to him. Well, I would call it stealing, but Osei Kyei Mensah Bonsu, and his cronies and those that think like him told Ghanaians that he only took what did not belong to him.

Ever since the party known as the NPP assumed power in 2001, there were rumours upon rumours of corruption in every aspect of governance, but we always had the likes of Kweku, Egbert, Abu, Ntow, Commey, Asamoah, Agyekum, etc. to rush to disabuse our minds of such ‘falsehoods’.

But you see, the truth is like a cork, you cannot hold it down the water forever. Ever since Ghanaians found it necessary to boot out this gang of looting brigades, the truth has begun to emerge. The outgoing administration immediately turned themselves into car stealing syndicates, hiding stolen cars in garages, farm houses, fitting shops, etc. Some managed to change government registered vehicles into their own names overnight. Are you thinking of KT?

But you see, God has a way of doing things. For those who cannot imagine how on earth someone can steal opepeepeeee, He thought of a better way to prove this to the average Ghanaian. God knew trillions, billions and even millions mean nothing to those who can hardly afford to have even GH10.00 in their pockets. To such people, there is no way they can imagine how a million or billion or trillion would look like.

That is why God decided to see to it that the looting brigades went ahead to steal peacocks too, so that it would be easy for us to picture it. Got it? Good!

Don’t you think it would be more conceivable and pictorial if we decided to convert all the stolen monies into things around us? For instance, if you ask me how much did it cost to hang that 50-Cent bling-bling on Kuffour’s neck, and I would respond, “it cost us about 4 JSS classroom blocks”

Yes. If you asked me how much money did Mpiani and his akonta spend on drinking cups, I would say “they blew about 250 JSS classroom blocks”, because that is the number of classroom blocks the amount could have built.

And come to think of it, if honourable men and his excellencies can go to the extent of stealing peacocks, what do you think they did with our national coffers? Remember that slim lady who sang ‘se ennye Nyame a, anka obonsam aye me defe defe’? Yes, I mean they have made our coffers ‘defe- defe-defe’.

Perhaps we should sing “se ennye Atta a, anka osono aye hen defe-defe”

Come to think of it, how can someone claim to be keeping peacocks and yet has no idea what they are fed on, and how to feed them? Do you believe Aliu’s story? That he had been keeping these birds for such a long time, and yet had to go and call the Castle guy to go and show him what they eat and how they are fed?

Also, how can one single person steal say 26 peacocks? He must have a large compound to keep them, since they can really be a nuisance sometimes. Don’t you think some of the birds might have found their way into people’s soups or khebab stands?

Next time you go out for your favourite ‘akonfem’, be patriotic a bit, and pause for a while, for you could be eating an honourable peacock from the Castle.

I shall be back!