STOW THE RHETORIC. Enough from the talking heads. It's time to put democracy in play and elect the next leader of the free world.

But what if George Bush and John Kerry don't necessarily represent you? What if the traditional "third-party" types like the Greens, Libertarians, Socialists and Ralph Nader don't get it either? You watched all three presidential debates, only to find no one presented clear plans to deal with Martians and the people infesting the Earth's core.

Maybe the best way to get rid of all this special interest paranoia would simply be to elect an emperor with a 10-year term. Long to return to the Victorian era? In that case, there really are candidates who believe in the same things as you.

Though most of these third- (fourth-, fifth- and 15th-) party candidates won't actually be on your ballot today, these people are real, at least according to Web sites such as politics1.com, americanmuslimvoters.com and others. Some of the choices:

Name: Lawrence Rey Topham.

Party: Independent.

Qualifications: His Web site claims the 68-year-old Utah retiree is currently the "secretary of State of the State of Utah and acting Governor during martial law." This is, most likely, news to Utah's real governor and secretary of state.

Platform: Wants U.S. on gold standard and refuses to recognize the validity of Federal Reserve Notes, which we call "money" around these parts. Says anyone working to elect "unauthorized" candidates (decided by Topham) is trying to overthrow the Utah government.

Why this person would make a fantastic president: Was allegedly once arrested in the Utah capitol after midnight, telling an officer he was the secretary of state and was there to seize the capitol.

Why electing this person would mean the end of civilization: Favorite food is "wheat."

Learn more: www.tophamforpresident.bravehost.com.

Name: Jack Grimes.

Party: United Fascist Union.

Qualifications: We'll get back to you.

Platform: Would install a worldwide order based on Roman-style military dictatorship. Believes aliens had diplomatic exchanges with both U.S. and Germany during World War II, some of which was brokered by cavern dwellers living in the Earth's core. Citing Nostradamus, predicts U.S. will shrink to a small triangular land mass through loss of coastal states. Encourages followers to worship Satan. Go figure.

Why this person would make a fantastic president: Just guessing here, but since Grimes advocates maiming and crucifying criminals, crime would drop fairly dramatically.

Why electing this person would mean the end of civilization: Once missed a campaign event because his mom's car broke down.

Learn more: www.ufu.gq.nu.

Name: Thomas Wells.

Party: Family Values Party.

Qualifications: Previous runs for Congress and White House. May have weighty endorsement of higher power as he claims God commanded him to form a political party in his bedroom at 2 a.m. Dec. 25, 1994.

Platform: Would ban all abortions and opposes homosexuality, tobacco, tattoos, alcohol, drugs and gambling.

Why this person would make a fantastic president: Would nullify political power of big tobacco and alcohol producers.

Why electing this person would mean the end of civilization: Wouldn't exactly embrace that whole separation of church and state thing. And banning tattoos is just crazy talk.

Learn more: http://members.aol.com/fvparty.

Name: A.J. "Victor" Albritton.

Party: American Republican Party.

Qualifications: Previous runs for Congress, governor of Alabama and president.

Platform: Describes himself as "The American candidate who is also the Victorian candidate. The Victorian Era to be the New Model Victorian Era -- from the male point of view." Right. Also promises a "new model Star Spangled Banner" and will relocate the Federal Capitol. We'd suggest Concord.

Why this person would make a fantastic president: Riveting fashion.

Why electing this person would mean the end of civilization: Nobody messes with Francis Scott Key.

Learn more: This could be tough, as the candidate doesn't seem to have a Web page.

Name: Da Vid.

Party: Light Party.

Qualifications: Physician, artist, writer.

Platform: Health, peace and freedom for all. Wants to promote holistic medicine, national health insurance, organic foods, solar energy, nuclear disarmament and a flat tax. Wants to build a Global Peace Center on Alcatraz, according to FHM magazine, which specializes in how federal policies affect half-naked women.

Why this person would make a fantastic president: Less road rage. And for $33, Da Vid will send you a CD and video of new age music.

Why electing this person would mean the end of civilization: While we relax, those commie tanks waiting at the Mexican border since 1959 will roll over the border. Oh, sorry, that was from someone else's "third-party" agenda.

Learn more: www.lightparty.com.