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At my Sabbath School class early last month in Toronto there was an interesting discussion on why God does not compel us in even the slightest way to obey Him. It became clear that the Holy Spirit shows us the greatest truth about God, but cannot force us to believe or obey it. It was upon this premise that a mother in my discussion group “demanded” to know why parents “force” their children to obey them if even God who created us does not force us to obey Him. She then linked her question to disciplining our children. We used the Bible to explain the first responsibility of parents to the child, which is teaching the child from the very beginning. The Bible says, “train a child the way he should go and when he grows he would not depart from it”. Sounds more of preventive discipline!

It is not the objective of this writer to discuss preventive discipline here. Obviously, disciplining our children when they do wrong both at home and at school is becoming very “tricky” and “undesirable” in our modern society. In the Western world, many immigrant parents fail to discipline their children for the fear that the children may call the Police on them. In schools, the authority of teachers in exercising discipline is fast being eroded by laws protecting children. When and how far can we as parents and teachers discipline our children/students? When and how does discipline becomes child abuse? How can we raise responsible and co-operative children?

“Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child”

There are many arguments for and against the adage that when you spare the rod you spoil the child. Many think of this only in the light of corporal punishment, hence the infliction of physical pains to the erring child. How true!

As much as the word “rod” in this adage implies beating, the adage in the bigger picture means that if one ignores irresponsible behavior on the part of the child one ruins the act of raising a responsible child. Couldn’t agree with me the more? Perhaps, there are cultures, which accept beating the erring child as a means of correcting the child or to put it blunting, “putting sense in the head of the child.” Who am I to judge such cultures if that works for them in the raising of responsible children. The universal problem is that many parents and teachers are becoming increasingly frustrated in their efforts to raise responsible children. Children, over the years, are becoming uncooperative, impulsive, disruptive, and disobedient towards adults and society in general. Where is discipline? The problem of discipline lies with discipline itself. Today’s popular discipline is fast becoming a shadow of itself.

What is Discipline?

Space will not allow me to do much justice to the definition of discipline. However, the understanding of discipline over the years gives us a better working definition.

Since the beginning of civilization till about twenty or so years ago, discipline had been seen as obedience-children had no right to question whatever they were asked to do. When obedience became difficult to earn from children we kowtowed to permissive discipline with the notion that the more we gave in to the child the more likely that the child would listen to us in the long run.(Not all cultures buy into permissive discipline). We gave and gave and gave to children that we could give no more. Children played the “game of discipline” on their own dictates! Then came in behavior modification or management to make discipline work. Yet parents and teachers are still are struggling to make discipline work as it should-raising responsible children. Discipline instead of making children responsible is rather making them manipulative! The problem lies with the strategies we adopt to discipline children.

The Early, the Better!

It is common to hear many parents, especially Ghanaian mothers, say, “oh my child is too young to listen or conform to what is right, when he/she grows the child will know and do better”. This attitude promotes indulgencies on the part of the child. There is therefore lack of prevention at the very early stage of the child’s personality development. The Austrian author and founder of basic concepts of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud contends that the child personality is formed within the first five years of the child’s life. In her writing, Sister Ellen G. White says, “In the home training of the youth the principle of co-operation is invaluable. From their earliest years children should be led to feel that they are a part of the home firm”. Obviously, charity begins at home; and the early bird catches the worm! Many School Boards are now struggling with safer schools and some have come out with progressive discipline.

What is Progressive Discipline?

It is an approach which provides a framework for accountability and consistent application of discipline. It is considered a school wide approach that brings staff together as a team to identify minor and major discipline issues and concerns. The consequences are based on the severity of the behavior and always take into account mitigating circumstances. It is a step-by-step process that is a partnership approach with administration, staff, parents with the goal of assisting students to change their behavior. I will fully take on this strategy of discipline in my future writings.

Meanwhile, I call attention of parents and teachers to the secrets of discipline as presented by the author, Ronald G. Morrish in his 12 Keys of Raising Responsible Children.

Secrets of Discipline:

Ronald Morrish admonishes parents and teachers to pay attention to the three effective domains of discipline. They include setting limits for our children, teaching our children the skills in how to be responsible and managing the choices they make.

Discipline is a behavior that must be learned by all children. It is therefore incumbent on all parents and teachers to teach the skills in the learning of that behavior just as we teach children the skills involved in the learning of subjects like math and language. When and how? As early as the child is born! And by setting the limits and managing the choices our children make. Remember that discipline comes from the heart and not from the hand. So it is not necessarily the punishment you meet out to the child but rather the good relationship you develop with the child that makes discipline works. Never give up on your children!