Disclaimer: You will learn absolutely nothing from this piece but hey, if you have 5 to 10 minutes to spare, be my guest! The views expressed here are based on my own experiences and observations. For my overly religious brothers and sisters, I still have lots of love for you but please, do not read any further.

When it comes to sex, I have one objective in mind. Unlock all your secrets and waves of pleasure by engulfing every inch of your body.

Taking off your clothes, grabbing your panties and slowly pulling them down (my favorite thing to do), the deep and long-drawn sighs, the sloppy kisses, the intense moans, the primitive growls of lust, the passionate shouting of names, the dirty whispers, the delicious smell of your erogenous zones, certain body part swelling with desire and the sweet taste of your rainforest. If you horny then get very horny as the slow sliding begins, the acceleration from slow to violent thrusts, the grip of your waist to enhance the trusts, the taste of our kisses after our lips have been everywhere, the slight parting of your lips as you moan, turning your head to look back at me with pleasure glazed eyes, the high pitch scream of painful pleasure after a smack, the way you move to let you me deep inside.

All these intense inputs and sensations are hammering you and me at the same time. Pleasure so intense that it releases the beast inside us. Well, damn! Add the sounds of sex into the mix of this intoxicating medley and you can actually cause a seismic eruption of sensual pleasure coursing through your entire body.

I unlock your secrets just to hear the sound of you coming; the sound of your big moment of eruption. Think of the sounds of sex as a pleasure appetizer. Raise your hand if you have ever had a lover roll over after sex and ask, “Did you come?” It’s a complicated question because a woman’s orgasm is not always obvious. For men, the answer is very simple. We curse and grunt when we race to the moon. There is irrefutable evidence after we pull out.

When it comes to women, however, it’s a complicated story. I started thinking a lot about the sounds of sex after an orgasm related episode with a woman. I’m coming! I’m coming!! Oh Yes! I’m coming!!! She screamed Instinctively, I reacted to the screaming announcement of her impending “arrival” by cranking up the intensity. I wanted and needed her to explode. Before long, I felt myself racing to the moon with her. The intensity got to me too. When her screaming stopped, I allowed my swimmers the much-needed passage through the canal and collapsed on the bed with her.

“Oh God! That was good!” She said “I love it when you come,” I replied. “Uhmm, I did not come,” She muffled under her breath “Wait, what! You did not?” I quickly sat up “No, I did not.” She said with a straight face. “It’s okay, Baby.” “So why were you hollering about coming?” I demanded to know “Because you were taking forever and I’m tired. I just wanted you to finish so I can sleep. You know you always come quickly when you know I’m coming too.” She argued “Seriously!” I shot back. “You faked it.”

Conventional wisdom and the media may have conditioned us to define orgasms with loud moans, accelerated breathing and a declaration of “I’m coming!” right before one crosses the finish line. Boy, if only it was that simple.

Fellas, do not always assume that she’s moaning and screaming because you are pounding her good or she is about to have a mind-blowing orgasm. Some women may be screaming, telling you to go faster or moaning with pleasure all to turn you on, stroke your ego and make you come faster when she is ready to call it quits. I am always willing to be wrong about this assessment though. Just like everyone has different erogenous zones which turn them on, not everyone’s orgasms will sound or feel alike. Some don’t let out a peep while others throw caution to the wind and scream like a banshee when they are plugged in. Allow me to fill you in on the types of noisemakers and different orgasms I have encountered.

The Chorister

She screams the whole time during sex. It’s like having sex with a soprano. She makes a sound with every thrust, every movement, every touch. If she does not scream the whole time, her head will explode. I had to wonder if every sound is pleasurable for her or if her screams intensified the pleasure. I look for the chorister to hit the high notes when she is near orgasm and finish with a high pitch scream. Sometimes, I encourage her to push her face into a pillow so my neighbors can sleep in peace. Did she come? If she stays monotone the whole time, she probably did not make it to the mountaintop.

The Ventriloquist

She is a silent and quiet for the most part. Her volume settings are set to low until a move jolts her up a decimal. I see her grabbing the sheets a lot with breath-holding precision. I feel like asking her if she is enjoying it but I dread the answer. She stays quiet up until the big moment, and then she gets all high-pitched and screechy. Did she come? I never asked so I do not know.

The Shaker

What can I say, I love shakers and twitches. I have not encountered a lot of shakers out there but they are among us. My advice, if you find a shaker, hold on to her. One Shaker I was with looked like she was having a seizure during her big moments. She loses total control of her body starting with her legs and her whole body trembles. I love watching the shakes with a broad grin on my face. Did she come? Heck yeah! Shakers can never be fakers. Faking a shake will make any woman look simply ridiculous.

The Bedsheets Changer

I love the bedsheets changers as much as the shakers. Bedsheet changers are very rare and I have only encountered two. They are rarely seen and heard from so finding one is equivalent to striking gold. The only downside is a soaked bed when it is all said and done. The first time I encountered a bedsheets changer, she failed to warn me about her ability to spray volumes of warm rainforest juice all over the place. She was on top of me and I felt her tighten up, her thighs shook a bit, she raised herself up and gushed all over me. Well, hello there!? Some of the projectiles made it all the way to the headboard above my head. “Oh, I am so sorry!” She said. I laughed and replied, “What are you talking about? Do you see me running to go take a shower? You just gave me the best shower in years! Can we go again?” Did she come” Yes, she did and it was wet, warm and lovely!

The Strangler

There are those out there who can only have an orgasm through close contact munching in the rainforest. Care must be taken though because a beast is definitely unleashed when she is coming. When the moment arrives, she lifts her pelvis, pushes her hips into you and wraps her legs tightly around your neck until the storm passes. One woman damn near strangled me to death with her thighs. I was trapped; I could not breathe and I could not scream. Attempting to loosen her grip was like trying to pry a bone from the jaws of a hungry dog. I just prayed and hoped the storm passed before I lost consciousness. Did she come? She did and nearly killed me in the process.

God’s Best Friend

Not sure if she got the memo about not using the name of the Lord thy God in vain. She called on God every time she got super excited during sex. Oh my God! Oh my God! Eventually, she starts saying “Oh my God” faster and faster until she reaches and crosses the finish line. After she is fully satisfied, she declares; “God, that was good!” So I asked her one day. “Hey, what does God have to do with this?” We are obviously committing a sin so why are you calling on God?” Did she come? You can’t call on God while faking an orgasm. If you do, that is like doubling up the sin.

The Announcer

The announcers are usually the talkative ones. As she makes her initial approach, she announces her impending arrival. As she gets closer and closer to touching down, she repeats the announcements over and over again; I’m coming! I’m coming!! Oh Yes! I’m coming. Did she come? I know one who did not and the jury is still out on the others.

The Hand Shaker

Her rainforest pretty much clenches up when she is coming. Her rainforest always gave my baby-maker a very firm congratulatory handshake as a result of the clenching during orgasm. I could always feel her heart pounding, her breath getting shallow with a few gasps, her grip tightening and her rainforest walls starting to contract and gets tighter around my baby-maker.

The tightness always led me to mentality shut myself from beating her to the mountain top. The firm grip on my baby-maker does wonders for me. Did she come? Hmm, I will lean towards a yes for sure.