A question I get asked over and over again is, “Why am I not a priority in my man’s life?” If you don’t feel like he’s putting you first in your relationship, keep reading. Especially if he’s always on your mind, shouldn’t you always be on his? After all, you should always be on his mind if he really loves you, right? Isn’t that’s how things are supposed to be?

If it feels like you’re always waiting for him to text you back, and sometimes this takes hours or not at all…If it feels like he puts everything ahead of you – family, friends, his job, even video games…If you don’t want to leave him, but you’re starting to worry that you’ll never be his top priority…If, when you try to get him to spend more time with you, all it seems to do is push him further away…

Then the answer isn’t to try to push him to make you more of a priority.

That will only drive him further away from you, and possibly send your relationship into a death spiral. Rather, the best thing to do is…

Why do you need to “feel” like a priority with him The truth is, wanting to “feel” like a priority with him isn’t really about the relationship in the first place. It’s about wanting a sense of security. Movies, TV, family, friends, books, magazines – all these things put an idea into your head about how much time you’re “supposed” to be spending with your man.

And if you don’t spend that much time with him? It makes you feel unwanted, unloved, not a priority to him. It makes you feel like your relationship is lacking – like there’s something wrong and you’re drifting apart from him. (For more on this, this article has you covered.)

This idea of what a relationship is “supposed” to look like that comes from popular media – it’s just an idea. It comes from outside you, not from inside. The truth is, it doesn’t mean much of anything at all.

Chasing the “outside idea” of what a relationship looks like That kind of expectation in a relationship leads to more bickering, unhappiness, arguing, and finally, a breakup.

The truth is – you will never be your man’s only priority. That’s because no one in the world has just one priority. Your man has lots of priorities. At any given time, his priority might be concentrating on work, or spending time with his family, or seeing his friends, or even relaxing and unwinding. You do the same balancing act with your priorities – but here’s the key difference:

Women are very good at multi-tasking and thinking about lots of things at once, while men want to focus on one thing at a time and give it their total attention.

That means that while he’s at work, he’s (probably) not thinking about you. He’s giving his undivided attention to his work. So while when you’re at work you might be thinking about him all the time, that’s not how his mind works. And if you expect him to text you back, or talk to you on the phone, or do anything other than prioritizing his work while he’s at work, it’s going to lead to frustration for both of you.

It’s a good thing that he’s prioritizing work while he’s at work – that’s why he has his job! And his other priorities are just as important – they all come together to help him balance his life.

Getting his undivided attention The best way to get him to give you his undivided attention (and spend more quality time with you) is to support and respect his other priorities. Giving him the space to do the things he loves to do is the best thing that a person can do for their partner – and he’ll recognize it.

Everyone has their own way of relaxing during their down time, and everyone needs it.

Here’s the most important part: the more a man feels respected and supported by his partner, the more he will want to be with her. The more he will feel she is “different” and someone he shouldn’t let go. The more he will instinctively want to care for her and give her the most that he can give her.

The way to start an upward spiral of respect, happiness, and joy in your relationship isn’t to try to demand more attention and prioritization from your partner. It’s to respect and support his priorities, and give him the space to do the things he loves to do – so that he feels supported, respected, and loved by you – and supports, respects, and loves you in return.