My last relationship came to an end in 2017. It’s the most intense relationship I’ve ever built with someone who didn’t care. I gave him my all while he looked around looking for someone more deserved of his love than me. We had a beautiful beginning, that lasted for only a month or so. The rest of the years were all questions. Doubts. Suspicion. And the feeling of inadequacy. There is always that one girl they deny that she’s something to them. Everything they do with them shows that there’s something going on but when you ask them, they’ll touch the ground with their index fingers, put them in their mouths and then raise them to the heavens and say, “I swear, I have nothing to do with her.”

But time has a sneaky way of removing the shrouds covering every secret. So one day, while sitting with him and his head lying on my lap, his phone’s screen lit up. It was a message from that girl. His phone was in silent mode so he didn’t see the notification. I was fast enough to read what the message said, “Hey, I’ve taken the pills but still the thing hasn’t come.” What happens after taking a pill? Healing, right? How can healing be a thing that ought to come? Are you thinking what I’m thinking? You see I didn’t say what it was but you yourself have figured it out. It means I wasn’t mad to think what I thought.

I shoved my legs and he got up. I told him, “You have a message.” His demeanor changed immediately after he read the message. He looked at me suspiciously. I asked him, “What’s that about?” He answered, “Nothing.” I said, “What pill did she take and what was she expecting to come that didn’t come?” Like all guilty people do, instead of answering questions, they turn the blame on you and try to make you feel guilty. He asked, “Why would you read my message? Was the message meant for you?” I answered, “I didn’t go looking for your messages. It dropped right before my eyes. What do you expect?” I asked again, “What is Amanda talking about? You got her pregnant right?”

We were in his room, but he got angry, left the room, and leave me there as if to say, “Take the room and answer your own questions.” With time, whatever is sown would sprout out of the soil. That was how a four-year relationship with Jay ended. As I said, I gave my all to the relationship so when it ended, I felt like I had nothing to give so I bowed out of the relationship stage and went into hiding. To cry the pain out. to mourn my loss. To heal and be better again.

For the next three years, I lacked all the energy to say yes to a man. A lot of them came but I didn’t give them any attention. All of them looked like a heartbreak waiting to happen, especially Kaleb. Even his name sounds like someone who will bit your lips(You’ll only understand this weak pun if you understand Twi) and run away. He was the one who pursued me the longest but the more he tried to get close, the more I ran and hide.

It was April 2020. The world had been bitten by corona and Ghana had just returned from a lockdown as a result of it. My loneliest moment came during that period. A lot of thought ran through my head; ”If the world was ending today, it means I would have no one to care for me or call to ask if I was ok.” Social media was awash with stories of people using the opportunity to stay with their loved ones. I missed being loved and I missed being in love. It was just around that moment that I met Appiah. I still said no when he proposed. He kept coming and coming and I kept explaining to him why I couldn’t date him; “Dating is dangerous these days. You fall in love today and in the next minutes, you’re broken into pieces. I’ve been there before. I don’t want to go there again.”

He saw my fears, he addressed them with his kind words and attitude. In the end, I told myself, “Well, he’s a cool guy. He doesn’t look like someone who could hurt me intentionally. He’s well mannered too. Let me say yes to him. If I die I die. After all, we all will die someday.”

He proposed in April. I said no. Even when I had said no, he kept coming around. All April, we just talked on the phone and met quite a few times. In May, he took me out to the beach where we sat and stare at the raging wave and gossiped about people walking through the sinking sand. We held hands, I remember. In June, we had grown in confidence and have decided to be touchy when we were around each other. In July, I couldn’t hide my feelings for him again so I went to his house to say yes to him. He was surprised when I told him I was coming around. There was this disbelief in his eyes when he finally saw me at his gate.

I said yes to him and he got up excitedly to hug me. The hug was too tight and too long. I actually enjoyed it. And then his lips found mine. The kiss lasted long enough for him to try another move. I could feel his bulge in his knickers. He lifted my left hand and pushed it down his knickers. My heart stopped beating. My breath ceased. My eyes went all wide. I started shaking. I said in my head, “All that size for just one person?” In my heart, I had left the relationship. All the feelings I had for him just got evaporated. He asked, “Are you ok.” I said, “That’s ok for today.”

I removed my hand and asked for permission to leave. He asked again, “Are you ok?” I said, “Don’t worry, everything is fine. I just want to go home. I’m the one cooking today.

When he said goodbye to me, I saw that he was happy. At long last, I myself had walked to his house to accept his proposal, kiss him and even touch the world’s biggest joystick. That could be love. But because a child breaks the shell of a snail and not that of a tortoise, I decided to walk away. I’d broken my heart before and I know how it feels but to shift my womb and dislocate my intestines? No, I won’t try that. I started missing his calls and giving him signals that I wasn’t interested again. We talked about it and I told him I was scared about the speed everything was going. I needed to regroup before I make the same mistake I did that cause me my last relationship.

To date, he thinks I left because I was insecure and was scared of falling in love. He didn’t know he pushed me away. If I got overly confident and tried that thing between his thighs, I swear I wouldn’t have been able to walk for days. Or maybe weeks or even months. Whoever has him now, I wish her all the best.

—Eyram