Dear Gey Hey Girl,

This is a letter to you, paragon of virtue and excellence, and pride of your family.

You always wanted to go to Wesley Girls High School, probably because mom went there too, and she always told the most amazing stories. You almost cried for joy when you made it in (a couple of your friends couldn’t make it, and they cried for different reasons as they had to settle for Holico, or Syte). You deserved the 9 or 10 ones that you got in the BECE, because you worked harder than anybody else, and now you were going to read Science in Wesley Girls High School, or maybe even Home Economics.

Everybody was happy for you, or at least acted like it. Only a precious few make it into Gey Hey, and you were one of them. It was going to be an awesome experience, and you knew it. You were even happier when you discovered that one of your friends who didn’t make it originally was going to join you after all. Her mom used her old girl connections, or daddy made a few calls. Long story short, she’s going to be there too. Or maybe that was you. It doesn’t really matter; you made it, and that’s what counts.

You remember the first day you made the trip to Cape Coast with your proud mom and dad, and maybe your sister and brother too. Mom told a few of her stories from back in the day, and even though you had heard them all before, you did not mind, because you had a brand new perspective. When you got to the school you were welcomed with fanfare. You were the star of the day, heralded with pomp and pageantry. Your mom couldn’t help but be impressed, even though she expected it. Your seniors, in an orderly manner, helped carry your things into the dormitory and helped you settle in. You always knew that Garnie’s school up on Kakum Hill was the best, but this! This was beyond.

I heard they taught you how to walk properly almost as soon as you got to school, with the help of a book balanced on your head. This, I believe is a perfect metaphor for beauty with brains. And what about the beautiful and orderly manner you walk on the very edge of that wide path to and from assembly, with nary a stray student falling out of line? I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw the picture. Why build such a wide path only to walk on the edges alone? This, I’m guessing, is a metaphor for your being on the cutting edge of, well, stuff.

From the first day you went home for the holidays till today, you’ve had to quell rumours of the mysterious ‘Black Mock’ so many times that you’ve lost count. Why can’t they understand that you girls are that smart, and do not need the help of leaked questions to ace the somewhat overhyped WASSCEs? Of some note and a little concern though, is the fact that you have not, as yet, become the first all-girl school to win the much coveted National Science and Math Quiz (affectionately called Brilla, even though Brillant stopped sponsoring the quiz years ago) trophy. But come on, you and I both know you’re only still deciding if it’s fair to the other schools to release the full force of your might.

Gey Hey girl, I hear discipline is so high in your school that you quite literally freeze when you hear a particular bell go off, and you happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time (sorry for the cliché). You do not attempt to run or hide, but patiently hold your position and await your just deserts. I guess all those years playing ‘Stay’ and ‘Steam’ as a kid paid off. You do this sometimes even when no prefect would have seen you had you chosen to make your escape. Did you know that this could never happen in a boys school? Do you realize how awesome it is that you do this?

Dear quintessential Gey Hey girl, just know this. The rest of them may never get you like your fellow sisters and I do. They may never quite understand why you carry yourself so when you first enter the university. They may not be entirely comfortable with your budding feminism. However, know this – you hold much wonder for every last one of us. If they will not admit it, I guess I will. I’m endlessly fascinated by how you always remember to carry your well organized pencil case to every lecture, when I’m still flashing the peace sign, asking ‘Two pens?’ The way you smartly organize your notes with little colour-coded plastic tabs is something I never fully caught the drift of, but I’m still trying.

I thought twice before using the word ‘quintessential’ so many times in this missive, thinking I should tone it down a little for the masses. But then I realized, this one is for you, and you probably have a vocabulary twice the size of mine so who am I kidding? When others are asking “Ebei, eben gutter bode nyi?” you’re simply commenting, “Oh my God, wha’ a big guh’er” (with Cockney-style glottal stops in place of T’s).1

Quintessential Gey Hey girl, I probably have never told you this before, and most likely will not mention it when next I see you, but you should know that I admire you. Granted, I am amused by some of your ways and practices, and think that you should take things down a notch or two; and we may never date because you would find my ‘plain-man’ ways a bit too mainstream for your taste. Nevertheless Gey Hey girl, I think you’re really awesome and something special, and I just wanted you to know.

From your #1 Fan (or at the very least, #3)

Opuni