In my African Traditional Religion class some time in the 1990’s I learnt that marriage rites was both culturally-based and religiously-based and that every peoples - African, Asian, Australian and European and American, have their own marriage rites based on their own cultures.

Indeed on all these continents there are different countries, which are also made of different tribes and ethnic groups, clans and families, all of which have different marriage rites, even though in some cases there are lots of similarities.

There are for instance the Indian marriage rites, where the bride’s parents rather pay groom price, if you like, to the groom’s parents to ask for the latter’s son’s hand in marriage to their daughter, which is different from the Japanese marriage rites, even though both countries are in Asia. You would surely have some difference in marriage rites between France and Germany for instance and yet they are both in Europe. We have Jewish marriage rites, Russian, Iraqi, Hispanic and more. And yes we do have our own unique marriage rites in Africa also. They differ from country to country, tribe to tribe, clan to clan and family to family. But I believe God in heaven, the author of the institution of marriage, in his Divine wisdom, created all the diversities in cultures and for that matter rites of marriage for all different people’s across the world.

Essentially, on all of these continents the bottom line in striking the deal of marriage is the approval of the state, which demanded that the marriage between two people is made legally binding by signing a marriage certificate. Then we have the families’ approval, which involves the two families ensuring that the right bridal or groom price is paid, depending on which culture.

It is essential to point out here that customary marriage, which has been reduced to what Ghanaians call the engagement in terms of nomenclature, is actually a complete marriage between two consenting adults, recognised by God as holy and acceptable.

In fact in most western cultures for instance, engagement is when the man meets the woman one on one and proposes marriage. Some offer the lady an engagement ring at that point, some offer necklace or some form of a condiment as a symbol of their promise to marry (wed) the lady.

Then we have the religious aspect where the blessings of God is sought upon the marriage as it is believed that the progress of every marriage in terms of child bearing, and other things are from the Supreme Being, God Almighty. Now all these three are complete in themselves, but also inter-linked. They can be done at a go, where the marriage certificate is signed (state recognition) after the customary rites (families’ recognition) had been performed and then an ordained minister of a church with the right to officiate marriage could pray for the couple after they have affirmed their commitment to each other. Not necessarily in a church.

Lately in the western world more weddings are being conducted outside the walls of the church than in churches.

But they could also take different forms and be treated separately and carried out as full blown ceremonies on their own. In Ghana for instance what we call engagement (customary marriage) is done with pump and pageantry and then we follow that with an even more flashy, flamboyant and usually expensive church ceremony called wedding.

Before anybody thinks of me as a destructive critique of church praxis, let me state categorically that I had a wonderful church wedding five years ago. In fact my wife (then my fiancée) insisted we had simple customary marriage, signing ceremony and then invite a minister either to the signing or the customary marriage ceremony to bless the marriage. But I insisted on a big church wedding because I thought then that my fiancée deserved that honour so we did it.

But come to think of it, before western culture invaded Africa, we had our marriage rites intact and it was not faulted as incomplete until the white man came and said “if you sign the marriage certificate, did the customary marriage and you do not do church wedding, you are not husband and wife yet in the sight of God.”

I remember when I got “engaged” to my wife (customary marriage), I had to travel to Australia the next day. Her parents insisted that she left their house and spent the night with me in my house before I left. Their argument was that as far as they were concerned we were married.

And rightly so because, there was a pastor at the customary marriage ceremony who prayed over the ring and put it on my wife’s finger and blessed our marriage, even though in my absence. In certain cultures in Ghana, the man puts the “engagement” ring on the woman’s finger himself after the pastor’s prayer and that should be enough, especially if they have signed the marriage certificate.

When I was a very young Christian the pastor of one of the first churches I attended, punished a couple for sleeping together after their customary marriage, prior to their church wedding. And that is not exclusive to that pastor, because in Christendom today you dare not think of your spouse as your wife or husband if all you have done is state and customary marriage. You need to do church wedding before the church would recognise and consider your marriage blessed by God.

The question I ask myself is, is there controversy or contradiction in God. Why would he give a people one culture and force another culture on them before he blesses them.

I once heard a pastor say, “you would attract the curse of God if you do not do the church wedding after the customary marriage.” And yet the pastors show up at the customary marriage ceremonies and bless the marriage anyway. And mind you customary marriage is a very expensive ceremony too. In some cultures in Ghana some families demand scores of cattle as bridal price alone before the actual ceremony.

What is the fuss about the expensive church weddings that make people borrow money and become debtors after compelling themselves to do flamboyant church wedding.

I am not questioning the performance of a ceremony that allows the blessing of God and the recognition of the church for our marriage. But must it be full blown, flamboyant and expensive church wedding?

Marriages are performed in Japan, India, Israel, Fiji Island, Samoa and all kinds of places in the world. These are places where we have Christians. Do they also do big and expensive church weddings just to seek the approval of the church and God’s blessings on their marriages?

I think what I am asking is, does God and for that matter does the bible state or even suggest anywhere, whether by implication, interpretation or direct quotation that without church wedding our marriages are not of God?

Why on earth do people compel themselves into this tight corner even when they obviously are not in the position financially to do church wedding?

I know of a Ghanaian couple in the United States of America, who now live together after their customary marriage, which was attended by a pastor who prayed for them. They got customarily married before they joined their current church and the pastor refused to acknowledge their marriage because they have not done church wedding.

In their bid to do “the right thing by the pastor” they bought wedding rings on credit for US$5000. Now the wedding hasn’t come on yet, because they have no more money to do it. They now want to buy a house but they have messed up their credit so badly no one is willing to give them a loan for their house. The pastor has now regretted compelling them into something they were not ready for and he has apologised to them and indeed to the whole church for the way he treated those two. These two hold very prominent positions in the church and their work is impeccable.

Clearly no one is under pressure from the bible, to do expensive church wedding, except some pastors, friends and society directly or indirectly compels us to, even after the equally expensive customary marriage. And indeed who says what we call engagement (customary marriage) is not of God – if it is not of God, why do the pastors come and bless the ring before it is placed on the lady’s finger?

It is sad how we have reduced our God-given form or marriage rites to mere engagement and adopted the western form of marriage rites (church wedding) as the real McCoy.

Just as in the western culture, church wedding is marriage, and even sometimes they don’t do it, in our culture, the customary marriage and the signing of the certificate, plus the pastor’s prayer over us is the real thing. That is why the churches have been smart to bring the marriage certificate to the church premises to be signed during the church wedding. In fact it could be signed outside the church and rather the pastor or ordained minister comes to witness and pray for the couple. Guess what it saves a lot of money, especially after the expensive customary marriage rites.

I am sure God and Jesus look at us from above and they are sad that though they have provided this world with diverse cultures, some, especially Africans, have played down their own and have allowed the west to make it look like God is not in our customary marriages but He only blesses our marriages when we do church wedding.

That is a deception from the pit of hell. I believe we must advise our people to more and more drift towards our ways of doing things and stop this mental slavery, making people think God only shows up in your marriage if you do church wedding.

I know lots of people, who signed marriage certificate, witnessed and blessed by a pastor and then did customary marriage and they are moving on great with their marriages.

I am only concerned that’s all.

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