Martei Markwei

I recounted a common experience among accomplished retirees who pursued career at the expense of close personal relationships, in closing the first part of this article. My purpose was to highlight the worth of personal relationships in promoting our wellbeing over the full length of our lives. I suggested there also, that the concept alluded to in the statement “Obaa a onni kunu, enni animonyam!” applies to both genders, in some Ghanaian cultures. They may not use the same phrase for both men and women, but whatever expressions they commonly use to describe the adults discussed, mean the same thing. So I will extend the conversation here by rephrasing Lola’s original enquiry as “Are we validated by the presence of a spouse in our lives?”

A qualifier though: I will not comment on feminism. Both Lola and Nana Amma Twum-Baah make generous references to it in the three articles that provoked many heartfelt comments on this website, but I decline to comment on it. Mind you, I have nothing against any who hold themselves out as feminists; I simply will not comment on the concept. It arouses such strong passions in our society that many lose sight of everything beyond themselves. Now, the matters Lola and Nana Amma alluded to and many respondents aired are serious nkomo; the sought that warrant sending the children off on tedious errands and with sufficient sternness (never mind their frustration, or resentment). Hot button issues like feminism do become a distraction on such occasions; just like the children. They may be complex issues, but we have reduced them to mere labels for categorizing people. And labels; like ‘Girls are bad, boys are good’, may be seductive in their simplicity; but affairs of the heart don’t wrap themselves in simplicity. Please see to the children.

Quality Life-time Relationships are Priceless

Both sexes benefit socially from having a spouse. I highlighted that in my previous article, in the discussion on ‘relationships index’. Having a spouse has nothing to do with validation; it merely speaks to our society about your social skills. A formalized, mutually fulfilling, life-time relationship is priceless in that regard. On the other hand, the value of such a relationship lies more in what it does to those in it, than in society’s assessment of their relationships index.

My spouse is my ultimate mirror and a live one too. I never question motives, when my spouse makes a critical comment about any of my attributes, or a condition I’m in. My spouse is not as any other friend, or acquaintance, whose interests shift; sometimes coinciding, other times conflicting with mine, so that I must examine the motive behind the message to protect myself. I can depend on my spouse to look out for me at all times, because we are permanent partners. My companion has a stake in my wellbeing and seeks to promote it. Now, that attitude didn’t come in a flash; I can’t tell you when I suddenly became aware of it. It became a part of my constitution through years of very intrusive interaction. Some call it trust.

We trust our pastors and our doctors and lawyers (emm …) and counselors and physical trainers and other service providers. Nevertheless, none of them occupies the same pedestal as a life-time companion. We can obtain sex, romance, money and other benefits elsewhere if we wish, but a spouse is open for business 24/7, not during office hours only. Yes, we can talk about the way we carry on a business with our spouse, or when to table what business, but at least we have exclusive and unfettered access and that’s a good start. That access does come at a cost, of course. It requires that we maintain a reciprocal interest in our spouse’s wellbeing and makes demands on us at the most inconvenient times. The relationship competes with other pursuits relentlessly and will have us be good listeners 24/7. True, the extra hours on the job, or the extra job, or the move to another city may substantially alter our finances. The time out with other friends, or the book we’re reading, or sports game on TV, or some other activity may be more exciting, but those and a host of others must yield to the demands of the relationship repeatedly, if annoyingly. Believe me though, that’s a small price to pay for the benefit of a trusted alternate opinion on every issue and a companion to share the joys and pains of life with. No one can have an equal stake in your wellbeing as your spouse does.

I noticed three recurring themes in responses to Lola and Nana Amma’s provocative articles: money, sex and reciprocity. I suggest that the spousal relationship is not about sex, or money; important as those are. It has more to do with reciprocal trust than with those. That may be the reason why a person feels so devastated when the partner gets involved with someone else. Our immediate response to that occurrence is to express feelings of betrayal and not concerns for the risk of venereal disease, financial exploitation, or any other risk. (The sexual orientation of the competing relationship is irrelevant; a homosexual doesn’t feel any less betrayed by a partner who enters a competing relationship with a heterosexual). However, no one exactly invited me to tea over the marriage institution, so I’ll call off the hounds here and now.

Its a Collective Crisis

To my understanding, both Lola and Nana Amma invited us to a conversation that really centers on a dilemma of unmarried Ghanaian ladies in the diaspora. Respondents made a great many interesting, sometimes heartfelt comments on the same. Our ladies in the diaspora are making tremendous and commendable strides vocationally, culturally, financially and in other respects. However, they appear to reinforce the perception of our parents, or perhaps grandparents that ‘too much book’ simply precludes a woman from marriage. Now, just for the avoidance of doubt, I use the phrase ‘too much book’ to mean an intense engagement in any pursuit outside of romance and marriage. I have no wish to engage book-long’s only. My desire is to have a heartfelt conversation with anyone who is hurting in this matter; irrespective of social status, gender, ethnicity, etc.

How is it that those who should be the most eligible among our women are the least sought after? A respondent remarked pointedly that Ghanaian ladies in the diaspora face heightened competition both in their countries of residence and at home. That is very real and should not be trivialized at all. Let’s face it, acquiring a mate is an intensely competitive affair; even in a village setting. Fights do break out occasionally; with the attendant clawing of faces, or serious efforts in that direction. The fabrication and circulation of vicious rumours by rivals is not uncommon. Among less sophisticated animal species in fact, it can have fatal consequences. The stakes are very high; the very survival of a species depends on its individuals acquiring the best mates from generation to generation, so that the best survival traits of the species are concentrated and passed on to succeeding generations.

A friend once recounted an anecdotal story which has relevance here. A Dutch social scientist went to conduct research in a village somewhere in the middle of Ghana many years ago. Members of the community were very supportive of him and he enjoyed his stay with them very much. The Chief and elders of the village convened a durbar on his behalf when he was about to leave and thoroughly spoiled him, as you can imagine. He asked what he might do for the village in return, out of sheer gratitude. Perhaps they would like a new school building, or a health post, or some other facility which he could lobby his government and philanthropists for. The Chief responded through his linguist that the next village had a brass band, which they played every full moon and on other occasions. Girls in the host village would go dancing to the music of the band and as a result, tended to marry the men of that village and join them there. In the eyes of the Chief and perhaps the elders also, they faced an existential threat as a result of the disparity and therefore, they’d appreciate nothing better than their own brass band.

I imagine that if the Chief were presiding over our global community, he’d have some very definite ideas about what we ought to do, to ensure that our community remains vibrant and thrives. You may consider the issue we’re discussing here as a problem for individuals to solve. I don’t quarrel with that; I simply take a different view. If you accept that it’s a challenge to our society, then we owe it to ourselves to increase the chances of the unmarried among us meeting and marrying their dream partners among the most eligible, to form enduring, mutually fulfilling and fruitful unions. (Do indulge me a little; I agree that two well meaning, perfectly reasonable people can disagree about who are the most eligible. I simply wont go there for brevity).

We’re heading even further south among humanity and fast, if our men folk continue to shun the most successful among our women. (I wonder even as I write though; is there really a place further beneath us)? What then are the key causes of our decent and what can the unmarried and the rest of us do to escape this unsavory state of affairs? This requires some thoughtfulness, because the stories of woe we hear concerning relationships between our men and women far out do stories of triumph, in both numbers and drama. The stories of suffering are very real and leave one wondering whether such relationships are worth pursuing at all. When you factor in a distinctive competence of our people; treachery towards one another, the picture gets overwhelmingly gloomy.

The narcissistic ways of life in most of our chosen countries of residence together with the heightened, socially accepted liberties don’t make these challenges any easier to deal with. Gold diggers hide behind the protection of the law in countries like the US, to conduct themselves in ways that can legitimately be described as diabolical. Others forget that our grandmothers tolerated polygamous relationships, because the family was the primary economic unit and needed all the dedicated hands that multiple wives could supply. They conduct themselves with the same gruffness that their great grandfathers employed in overseeing their households and attempt to ignore the fact that there has been a fundamental realignment of economic power in the family unit. Well, one thing is for certain; the old days are gone for good and we need to renegotiate the very nature of our spousal relationships, or give up everything good about our way of life.

Getting on and Unmarried

To those gentle ladies who are getting on in years, but remain unmarried: it doesn’t help to despair. It wont improve your chances any, so why dig the pit of despair to bury your thirst for life and happiness? You may find it more profitable to work deliberately at accomplishing your goal. That means you have to have a plan of sorts.

So what are the dynamics of the market you must compete in to fulfill your healthy desire for companionship? For starters, don’t trouble yourself too much, if you aren’t receiving attention from men of other races. I don’t mean to be racist, but only a precious few persons of other races readily accept us as equals. A Caucasian man may pretty well fall head over heels for you, if you’re skinny and pretty enough and perfectly shaped (some might add light skinned too, but I doubt that). What will be a life time challenge for you, is the conspicuous rejection by his circle of associates. His relatives and friends will tend to feel uncomfortable each time you’re near them. Mind you, I don’t suggest that inter-racial marriages involving African women don’t work. I simply say that you will face a greater challenge winning acceptance by others besides your husband and I’d rather expend my energies elsewhere, if you asked. (TO BE CONTINUED).