Mathematically, no contrary argument is admissible. Though abstruse and largely incomprehensible to those lacking a solid background in numerology, the logical outcome of Harold Camping’s labyrinthine calculations pointed unequivocally to May 21, 2011 as the day the Almighty had set for the world to come to an end. Had the Almighty kept his word! Had he not cheated “believers”! Had he not been intimidated by the mere thought of bringing an end to a world whose creation had taxed the last atom of his strength, no clock would have ticked past 18.00 hours GMT on May 21, 2011. Time would have stopped dead in its tracks, but Harold Camping and his followers would have deathlessly crossed the chasm between mortality and eternity. But, alas, the Almighty felt too intimidated by the frightening prospect of ending his world and left it intact with its cargo of false prophets, corrupt politicians and wretched souls. Indeed, intimidation mixed with everlasting remorse for the deluge that swept the world of Noah modulated any haste on his part to bring on Armageddon this time round.

If you’re wondering what my beef is in this article, it’s nothing other than the desire to equip my readers with the ability to decode signals often broadcast by charlatans masquerading as angels of light and the irresistible urge to vent my prolonged irritation and accumulated exasperation at the conduct of some “men of God.” By helping to unmask fraudulent pastors, let readers understand that I am not making any claim to sainthood or righteousness. Yours truly is a humble servant who normally prefers to keep to himself, so long as “dzi wo fie asem” or minding one’s own business remains a safe preoccupation.

In spite of their ubiquity and geographical sprawl, false prophets, or to use the local parlance, “fake pastors,” can hardly be identified. Their angelic countenance and the colorful spectrum around their personalities, not to mention the profound respect accorded them, often on a silver platter, elevate them so high above ordinary mortals that our basic instinct is to repress any thought that associates them with wrong-doing. For most of us, they represent the ne plus ultra of spiritual achievement, period!

Regrettably, it is this aura of sublimity that we so obsequiously surround these “men of God” with that equips them with the carapace for practicing all kinds of deception. It is the schlocky exaltation of some pastors and the big titles that we so readily prefix to their names without justification that often lead us into trouble. Which soldier earns the rank of a General without going through the heat of battle or without receiving scars of honor on his body as evidence of his bravery? Most women who have been sexually assaulted by some of these “men of God” will confess their high regard for their defilers before they were mistreated. Since 1 John 4:1 admonishes us to be wary of false prophets, my first recommendation or principle is: Don’t trust anybody; try the spirits – yes, including your favorite preacher on radio or TV.

Is your pastor able to persuade you or, to use a better word, intimidate you to empty your wallet at each prayer session? Is he able to get his entire congregation marching fearfully towards the collection bowl through interpretational origami and convoluted exegesis of scripture? In other words, does he employ the Bible as a tool for causing fear and panic among his congregation in order to make money? Is your pastor acquiring the habit of forecasting doom for members of his congregation and requiring them to pay some money in exchange for special prayers for their protection? Be sensitive to such vibrations.

Collecting money from the congregation during church service is not a bad thing in itself; it is the use to which such monies are put that matters. Using the church’s collection to support widows, to care for the poor and the sick, to feed children in parts of the country embroiled in conflict, and similar altruistic initiatives as exemplified in Acts 4:32-36 can never be bad. What is your pastor’s attitude towards money? Is he obsessed with making more money “for the church”? In dollar terms, is he worth more than all Christians since the time of Nero put together? Does he socialize the costs of running the church but privatize the benefits? Is he paternalistic to a fault in his management of the church’s finances? Find out what he thinks about making a quiet donation from last Sunday’s fat collection to a little known orphanage in a backwater of our country. If he prefers the church to acquire land for the construction of a private university, or to pay for his visit to the United States or Europe in search of lost souls, know where to attend church next Sunday.

Another characteristic of your pastor that you should observe rather carefully is his attitude towards other churches and their pastors. Is he judgmental or deprecatory? Do his sermons closely resemble the prayer of the Pharisee in Matthew 18:10 – 12? My profound apologies, if I appear to be using this article as a façade for a sermon. Does your pastor exchange expletives with other masqueraders of the fraternity at the slightest provocation, especially on radio as happened recently? Indeed, is he often the catalyst for polluting socio-religious space? If so, he has tested positive to the anti-bodies of a fake pastor!

Next on my radar is your pastor’s relationship with women in the church; I mean pulchritudinous ladies with curvaceous hips, voluptuous breasts, and exquisite sartorial tastes - ladies whose unfathomable reserve easily provoke a whirling maelstrom that sends unscrupulous angels crashing to the ground. Is he animated by women with such vital statistics? When in their company, does your pastor begin to be boastful of his powers as a “man of God” and end up finagling like the stranger in Mark Twain’s novel, “The Notorious Jumping Frog of Calaveras County”? If your answer is yes, grab your wife’s hand firmly and head for the emergency exit!

Finally, let me end with a special message to the “PAFAPIG”, or the “Professional Association of Fake Pastors in Ghana.” And it is simply this: If I become the unwilling star of your sermon next Sunday, I will not be there to defend myself but “Onyame ahu wo” – God has seen through your hypocrisy.

Author: Patrick A. Yeboah; Email: owura_pat@yahoo.com