"No object is so beautiful that, under certain conditions, it will not look ugly." (Oscar Wilde)

What you are about to read may irritate you. Who knows, it may inspire you although I doubt it. It may lead to the collapse of your relationship that is if you repeat my views without checking the temperature in your house. It may enhance your love life. It may lose you business. Your '‘‘girlsfriends’ will never forgive you if you repeat such stuff around them. However the fact is that this is a matter that is so dear to my heart and which I have voiced out so many times to my pals. My manager is fully aware of where I stand on the matter. Somehow, she seemed to appreciate my position until last Christmas when she decided to scare the living daylights out of me my doing exactly what my system cannot take. I promise to tell you about my nightmares later.

There is a story that one of my mates in Babylon used to tell ad nauseam. It involved a Nigerian man or so he says. Please do not ask me why it is always a Nigerian and not a Ghanaian. The story goes that this young Nigerian guy comes to school in London like we were all fortunate to do in the mid-nineties and decides that he is not going to let Babylon pass by without impacting it. He becomes a party boy. All clubs and pubs welcome!!! One day, nice young man goes to a club and meets this stunning lady. Full proportioned. Long legs. Nice boobs. Flowing hair. AND WHITE!!! For many young African men, hanging out with white girls is time for revenge for the ancestors. Even if you are ‘dead’ where it matters most, the fact of linking up with a white lass, no matter how ugly, is so ‘viagrating’ that no black man has so far disgraced the race in any such encounter. So youngman hits off with this nice white lass and had a swell time in the club and then late in the night, white lady says, suggestively, ‘come on, let’s go home’. Sometimes, young African men forget that the Whiteman’s rules are a little different from back home. Youngman follows nice white lady to her home. Free advice from Breda Osimi: NEVER FOLLOW ANYONE, NOT MALE OR FEMALE TO HIS/HER PLACE IN BABYLON. NEVER! But young blood is thick and hot and rushing all over his brains and the youngman follows this brunette home. Her home!!! When they get home, the lady convinces him to tie him to the bed for some crazy games to begin. Youngman gets tied all right. Crazy games begin alright. But instead of being the giver, he became the receiver!!! The lady pulls a smile and promptly pulls her long beautiful hair off. Auch. Big lady becomes big man!!! It was wig!!! “Do you know who a drag queen is? Well, you just met one”!!! The story goes that the youngman woke up in Africa in a T. B. Joshua type of camp because he was so done that he became a deaf-mute.

I have always wondered, why this thing about wigs, especially when worn by young, already nice ladies. Let me re-phrase. Why would a young already pretty young lady wear a wig or loads of fake hair to enter a competition for beauty queens? Student cannot understand! How does a wig let you know the real person you are engaged to? A wig in my personal estimation, distorts personality. It is actually a case of ‘ma tricky wo’. A wig or loads of hair on a woman surely distorts from the fact. You will never get to know the real person you are with until the wig falls off in the middle of some frenzied nocturnal activities and then the screaming starts! Where will your mama be when you find out late at night that your woman is actually “sakora” or worse, a man?

This piece is not attempting to engage in a fight with all ladies wearing a toupee right now as you read this. “Every man’s got the right to decide his own destiny’, so says Uncle Bob. Guess that goes for every woman too. A lady can wear a wig for all the days of her life. I will not quarrel with that as it is an individual decision and a personal right under law. The Constitution of the Republic of Ghana guarantees the right to wear a wig. In fact, even a man has the right to wear a wig all the days of his life under the constitution. So this is not a fight with all those ladies who have chosen to wear wigs and long fake hairs. If your man/boy/husband/father does not disapprove, well, keep on wearing it. But my article is inspired by the fraud, yes, fraud, that has been perpetrated on all of us by the beauty pageants in Ogyakrom when they choose beauty queens. If it was a matter of artificial beauty they were looking for, I am ever prepared to sponsor a male to participate in one of those events. All we need is a nice body suit and a nice wig to match. As for the ‘takunta’ that is liberally applied to the lips, we can procure that without sweat. Akua Korankyewaa, my maternal grandmother, (may her sweet soul rest in perfect peace) referred to lipstick as takunta’, better known as turpentine. So what’s a Ms. Ghana who wears fake hair? What’s a Ms. Malaika who wears fake hair? What’s a Ms. Ghana’s Most Beautiful who wears fake hair? What’s a Ms. World or Ms. Universe who wears all that fake hair? The last time I checked, and I encourage you to check the old issues of newspapers like Graphic Showbiz, The Mirror, Spectator and other entertainment papers, you will be amazed to find a bevy of “beauties” posing as contestants for beauty pageants and ALL OF THEM, BAR NONE, ARE FAKE FAIRIES! Not a single one of them is wearing her own hair. All the ladies are grinning at us beneath tons of horse hair and dead Indian virgin hair. Why should any such person be considered a beauty queen?

All beauty pageants must consider banning contestants who are wearing fake hair because they are not genuine. You may go to the house of a Ms. Ghana the day after the event and she will open the gate for you only for you to ask her where Ms. Ghana is. The wig may be off. For everyday life, it’s a personal choice and I really do not begrudge any lady who decides to wear wigs and all that load of horse hair. However, such persons must be disqualified from any beauty competitions because the lady in front of you, posing with all that hair, may actually not any hair at all. She may be 'sakora'. She ought to believe in herself to take her own assets to a competitive event. One of the pageants I really love is the “Face of Africa”. Have you ever seen a fake fairy win that event before? Nah! They go for African sisters who will wear their own hair. Sisters who are so confident that they will even lose some hair in a close crop and still appear in public and compete in a beauty show. That’s my kind of girl! The ladies who have won all the beauty competitions wearing fake hair are like athletes on steroids. A kind of modern female Ben Johnson of the fashion world!!! A genomed version of Ben Johnson? These fake fairies no different in essence from a 30-year old guy competing for the Black Starlets as an under 17 player. You may go and win a cup in a far way land but you do not impress me much. How can you be younger than your younger brother?

If we really wanted to do the right things and really pick a true beauty, we would have banned all the fake fairies because frankly, they cannot claim to be beautiful unless we know their true God-endowed assets. Truth be told, you won because you look artificial and so unlike you. You are a certified fake fairy!!! Breda Osimi won’t have anything to do with you and your crown. You won the beauty contest alright but you did so with the aid of “performance-enhancing” instruments, chief of which is the virgin forest on your head!

Come and get me! Ma ka a, ma ka!!!

Breda Osimi www.osimidiaries.blogspot.com