The Church Is The Name: God’s Phone Number International Church

What is in a name? Or perhaps, what is not in a name? Everything is in a name, a whole lot, especially when it comes to naming a new generation church in a world where people have stopped asking what they should do to inherit Heaven. Sure, Daniel saw this coming in the 12th chapter of his book, that in the end days knowledge will increase. Apologetics, philosophy, existentialism, atheism, theism and several other isms have expanded our breadth of knowledge and improved our understanding of things. So, it is not unusual to come by God’s phone number in a church, especially when the name of the church is “God’s Phone Number International Church.”

Nomenclature is a complex science. A rose is a rose, no matter what you call it. Well, maybe Shakespeare was quite simplistic on that occasion. There may be a way to call a rose that may sound rosier than other roses, lest it may be confused for a roast. So many emerging churches are making a veritable roast of the usual roses on the market. It seems choosing an ordinary name for a church makes the grace of God look too affordable. So the congregation in a small American town named their church ‘Original Church of God.’ Well, being original doesn’t say it all, so another church also called theirs “Best Spot in the Land of God Ministry.’

If you are in the best spot in the land and you are not in the good books of the owner of the land, you could lose your property one day. So a church with foresight decided to call themselves ‘Jesus is The Landlord Ministry.’ Well, you may have the best spot and Jesus may well be your landlord, but those are not achievements in themselves. Miracles must happen, because salvation is not enough these days. ‘Healing Has Begun Ministry’ is an apt name for a church with a mission. Healing could take a long time to happen, sometimes a week and even a year. Nobody has time to waste waiting for miracles to happen. We need miracles now, and very quickly, too. A church in Nigeria took all these in consideration and settled on a cute name: ‘Jehovah Sharp Sharp Ministry’, where the gospel is served like fast food.

Well, speed is not everything, because we usually miss the finer details when we rush into things. Kingdom business must function with power and anointing. Modern churches realise that they are not fighting flesh; they are up against spirits and principalities. That was the inspiration behind the church ‘Power pass Power Church of the Mountain Ministry Incorporated’. And if we are serious about defeating the principalities, then power is not enough. We need fire, pure fire to consume the enemy and destroy all his plans. Thankfully, that is the daily business at a church called ‘By Fire By Fire Ministries.’ Where does fire come from? From the time Elijah called fire from Heaven to destroy the prophets of Baal, the world has come to believe in fire from above than fire from charcoal. Angels are usually loving and peaceful. After all, they wear white robes and fly around watching over us. But imagine an angel on fire consuming your enemies, so you could sleep well at night. Make a date with ‘Angels of Fire Ministries’ in Nigeria, and you would sure see angels hovering in the space spewing fire like no hell’s business. Yes, the Kingdom has suffered violence. So we need fire.

We sure need fire, in fact, a lot of fire, considering the speed of the internet and the spread of terrorism. But we must tread cautiously, especially in Kingdom business. Being Christian means being set apart. We are in the world, but not of this world. If the world is on fire, Christians could show the difference by consecrating themselves in the secret place of the most High. There is a church called ‘The Laboratory Church of God’, where all congregants consider their sanctuary a laboratory where they can experiment with God using spiritual molecules. If God is a spirit, then all those who seek him must seek him in spirit. The laboratory idea works fine, because most scientific experiments work with a hypothesis, and if God is a spiritual hypothesis, then all the scientists would do is just sit and observe water.

In all these, however, the modern Christian must remember that the Christian life is a difficult one, and Christ remains the example. There are obligations that they owe to the faith. Christians cannot live as free elements in a social experiment; a certain mode of behaviour is recommended by the ‘Strict and Particular Baptist Church of England.’ Well, Paul says in Galatians 1: 10 that the purpose of the Christian is not to please the world, but God. Paul was spot on, because it seems even when God decides to forgive our trespasses, the devil will remind Him that the sinner is not deserving of His grace. The pastor at ‘Devil go hear am Ministry’ in Nigeria named his church as such to warn hypocrites to mind and mend their ways. And if they don’t, then they should remember the name of this church in South Carolina: ‘Hell Hole Swamp Baptist Church.’

Hell? To hell with hell and all the threats about fire and condemnation; life must go on. Otherwise, what is the grace supposed to accomplish? 007 iconic character James Bond, is a delight to watch on our screens, especially when he has all his beautiful women cuddling with him while he shoots an intruding assassin with the small pen in his breast pocket. He had already commanded his sleek car to meet him by the door for a romantic escape. That is how fun life should be. The people of Toronto made this count when they formed ‘The James Bond United Church Community.’ We could make the Christian life more fun because Heaven will not happen until Jesus comes again. While we wait, we can bite into his grace at the ‘Bread of Heaven Sent Down From Jesus Church.’ In the end, if Jesus does come, He would take us to Heaven. But not so fast, there are protocols in Heaven. All that have been catered for by Odifuo Kumchacha’s ‘Heaven Gate Ministry.’

Still, Heaven remains a particularly difficult prospect because we are living in an evil and adulterous generation where men are marrying men and parents paying doctors to surgically change the sex of their children. We cannot take things for granted anymore; we need to institute serious measures and move with the pace of the world in order to make any impact. If you have such a belief, then join the ‘New Aggressive Church of Deliverance’ in the United States of America. However, when you sense that the aggression wouldn’t earn you enough points to make Heaven, then the right place to seek solace is in Kumasi at ‘Run for Your Life Ministries.’ Yes, do run, because God has promised to take us to the expected end. If you want assurance that you will not die before your time, then sign on as a member at ‘Elshaddai Shall Not Die Ministries’ in Nigeria.

It turns out that having a good church with a great name means nothing when the church has not received the necessary accreditation and registration credentials. ‘The Accredited Church of God’ in Nigeria has no such problems. So is the ‘Waterproof Baptist Church’ in Louisiana, which may be the place to go and hide when the various hurricanes in the USA come flooding. When the floods do come, the ‘One Love Church,’ where the love of Christ is celebrated, will not be able to do much.

Unbeknownst to many, controversial and death spewing Rev Owusu Bempah may have done the best job in this church naming exercise. God has exalted His Word above His name, because His word never fails. God also never shares His glory with another. Rev Bempah combined these two truths to form the name of his church: ‘Glorious Word Ministry International.’ He did better than the other Nigerian pastor who sacrificed all the rules of grammar to call his church ‘The Yoke Must Broke Ministries.’ You would pardon Bishop Obinnim’s excesses if you spot the oxymoron in the ‘First United Separated Baptist Church in the USA.

Kwesi Tawiah-Benjamin, Ontario Canada

bigfrontiers@gmail.com