I am tired of bad sex. Now, don’t get me wrong: throughout my twenties, I have had some of the most adventurous and thrilling sexual experiences. But this period also came with some very awkward, uncomfortable and downright displeasurable sexual encounters. And unfortunately, for many women dating cisgender straight men, this is an all too common occurrence.

As a bisexual queer woman, I feel that I have had enough rendezvous (not sure how to pluralize this word - can you think of another?) with different genders to assert that sex with cis straight men can be some of the most trying moments. I thought it might be interesting to list all the ways in which sex has been nothing short of soul-crushing. Hopefully, you can avoid these men in the future!

The big dick guy that doesn’t know how to use it

This guy is a sight to behold. Really. He made me feel all the tingly things inside. And I am not afraid to say that his love below made me feel a wee bit intimidated. But ultimately, his problem was that he didn’t know how to work with the blessings God gave him. It was just always so awkward. It didn’t help that he seemed quite uncomfortable with his package. (Yea, go figure!).

Ladies, unless you have a 3month period to provide sex Ed classes, I would encourage you to take a rain check on this man. Ain’t nobody got time to be ABCing it for ya! #sorrynotsorry

The guy who doesn’t give head but always requests it (in 2016!)

This fucker is self-righteous about his game. So much so that he doesn’t feel obligated to get to eatin’. Or, he might feel like eating p*ssy is demeaning or belittling to him. Oh, but don’t think he won’t ever request head with the quickness! I mean seriously, these men still exist in 2016?

Unfortunately, I already know the answer to this: they are alive and well walking our streets with the rest of civilization. I don’t get it. I mean, who doesn’t love the pussy? (Ok, maybe I am a self-centred Bi girl, but still who doesn’t love the pussy?!) And at the very least… do NOT have the audacity to ask me for something you won’t do. And ladies, while his dick game might be ALL OF THE GAME, you must refuse on sheer feminist principle. Thou must not taketh what thou won’t giveth! Good d*ck game be damned.

The Rammer: The asshole that accuses you of “not being able to take dick”

Now this man is neither daft nor incompetent. He simply does not care to listen to your needs. This Jack Rabbit doesn’t care that you might get a hernia or contract a UTI from his hammering, he just wants to get it in. He goes so far as to respond to your whimpering with disdain.

Talmbout “What’s amattter, you can’t take dick?” UGH! The nerve. Meanwhile he doesn’t know that you are a healthy adult biological female who has devoured some of the biggest dicks known to cisgendered mankind. For any fellas reading this, the female vagina is (on average) 3-4 inches deep, but can expand up to 200%, consuming any healthy adult male penis –if you get her there. I don’t mind a good ramming session myself –you just have to get me aroused enough. Don’t just get to slamming because you have half an hour before your mom comes home LOL. Yall been taking this Bedroom Bully thing a little too seriously.

Musty ball alert

Girrrrl. This mess! Now, you know damn well that you have NO business having any woman in your bed without a smooth 10-15 minute scrub down in your shower before I got here! This is absolutely unacceptable, ladies. In my defense, I had been in a serious sex drought for many many months before I found Mr. Musty. This is another man that must be avoided at all costs. He is foul in more ways than one. And you can forget about orgasming that night. If he doesn’t wash his ass, he probably doesn’t care about you enough to make sure you reach the Big O. You’re grown: wash your ass!

The one that never lets me ride him

I’m a freak. That almost goes without saying. And there is nothing (next to receiving oral sex) more pleasurable for me than getting on top and riding that dick for dear life. It is also a way for me to mitigate the thrusts of The Rammer. If I am top, I can control the motion in the ocean. But in my many years of fucking, I’ve discovered that there are some men who always want to be on top. Now, blame this on deep socialization that positions men as the leaders in all aspects of life, especially during sex, but it is annoying as fuck. I love a man who can sexually take charge as much as the next freak…but I wanna play too! Let me dominate a little.

Hood Niggas

I grew up in the hood, so I have been known to date quite a few ‘round the way boys from time to time. I generally have no issues with hood dudes (obviously). It is sometimes who I feel most comfortable with based on our (early) life experiences and challenges in climbing the proverbial social ladder. And I am certainly not the most high maintenance woman out there, but I do require some clean sheets and a tolerable odor in your room and house. As an extension of your penis, the house must smell good too. And as someone whose Fante (Ghanaian) mother kept an immaculate-looking house (even growing up in the hood), it is absolutely unacceptable to invite me over when your bedsheets have last night’s dinner still on them –or even worse, the last woman’s cum stains (I kid you not!). Let me not turn on the light and catch a roach running for its life into the next room. Gross! This is the ultimate libido-killer.

Conclusion: Let’s Talk About (Bad) Sex, Baby!

What most of these sex mishaps come down to is a lack of attention to the details and to your needs in the sexual encounter. Often, I have been too afraid, intimidated or embarrassed (for them) to make a stink about it. But moving forward into my dirty 30s, no more! Thou shall have clean sheets, no other chicks and apple juice waiting for me! Ok, I kid, I kid. But at the very least, pay attention to what might make me uncomfortable. Men need to start asking their lovers more questions about the experience. And ladies, we need to start being vocal about what we will not tolerate.

Sex should never be an inconvenience or a burden. Your orgasm is too important.