Dear Country-folks,

It seems I get to write to you usually when I am away from Ghana. No wonder some of our country folks think that the real attraction of the job for me is the travel and fun part. Well, that is partly true, but only partly.

Take this trip to London for example; it is ostensibly to attend an AIDS conference of some sort. Of course, the real reason for coming is for something not quite as honorable but at the same time my coming here was not for fun either. You can guess the real reason but I shall tell you all the same. With the problems at home accentuated by the wobbling strength or rather fragility of the cedi against the dollar, the kitchen has been getting too hot for comfort. And in a stifling kitchen, one is left with only one of two sensible choices: continue to stay by opening the window, or simply walking out of the kitchen. I chose the latter. And now here I am, in London.

Now you realize why I earlier described my trip to London as for less than honorable reasons. Being the cause of all this heat in the kitchen, the honorable thing for me to have done was to have stayed to address the heat for those who are still languishing in it. Well, I shall loose no sleep over that thought. They chose to vote for me when the signs were clear that I was but a pretender. They should blame themselves for their poor choices. When we were chanting “E dey Be-e Kur Kur” and they were responding enthusiastically, was it not apparent to them then that there was nothing of substance to back that illusory chant? So if they are suffering now, why should I lose any sleep over that? Tweaaaaa.

Another reason why this London trip has no fun part to it is that, I have some real work to do. I have to put my skill as a communications expert to use. I have to crank up the PR campaign. Ben Dotsei Malor is not cut out for this kind of propaganda work. The other members of my Communications apparatus, on the other hand, are so good at the propaganda work that no serious person believes anything that they churn out. So I have to do some of the PR work myself. But before I do that, I need to review the damage.

Because of the challenges faced by my Communications apparatus as identified above, I had hoped to use allied groups, namely religious figures, to lead the charge. With Ghana being so religious, that seemed like a good idea at the time. But now, I realize that I could not have been more wrong with that assumption.

Ghanaians, it seems, have woken up from their ‘fa ma Nyame’ slumber. They roundly condemned any religious intercession for the cedi as a farcical and a hollow exercise. The ‘Kofi Asomdwee’ religious mojo did not work for me. The whole religious thing turned out to be so embarrassing. Even some other more independent-minded religious figures felt that the cause and solution of the cedi’s problems were more of man (specifically me) than God.

Next, I wanted to ascribe the blame to so called “economic fundamentals” of the Ghanaian economy. For a while, and ably supported by the rented press and some so-called Senior Journalists, this seemed to work. But the NPP was having none of this. Not when their ‘whizzkid’ (and one I quake in my boots at possibly facing in 2016), Dr. Bawumia, had predicted what the result would be for an economy (or is it “ecomini”?) run on propaganda. The NPP tore through my defences mercilessly with well-argued economic punches interspersed with references to my reckless spending on laptops, cars, useless GYEEDA modules, etc, etc. in 2012. I was truly whacked.

Next, I felt the Bank of Ghana might be made to take responsibility for the mess. Again, the NPP would have none of this. They argued that while the measures adopted by the BOG might be helpful, the real problem was indiscipline on my part.

Finally, I decided to ask some of my fanatics and loyalists to put the blame on anything they could think of, as I had run out of ideas. They took my directive rather too literally. Next thing we knew, there were talks of ‘tall buildings’ and ‘dwarfs’ as being responsible for the fall in the value of the cedi. So embarrassing has been this line of argument that even NDC apologetics like Dr. Tony Aidoo, felt sufficiently embarrassed to severely criticise my government’s economic management (as if he was not a part of the mess to begin with).

If Dr. Aidoo had monitored and evaluated properly as he was supposed to, Ghanaians would have been spared his lamentations. Even Kofi Boom, who has refrained from barking since I became President felt that he might be seen for what he is – a hypocrite - if he does not say something but continue to misdirect the blame to ‘Kofi Diawuo’. So he has barked, even if it’s just a little. I do not fear Kofi Boom’s bark – it lacks bite. It may have worked against ‘Kofi Asomdwee’ but it can never work against me.

I must get ‘Mahamanomics and Tekperiasis’ to work otherwise 2016 would be but a wistful dream.

One more thing before I pen off. The country folks want to know the result of the ministerial evaluation. Perhaps that might be a good avenue to put the blame for the fall in the cedi – an incompetent few. Until the cedi crisis, I had given all of my appointees an ‘A’ grade. Now, I need some scapegoats so let me head back to my Presidential Suite at the hotel from this Conference Center here in London and revise my ministerial grading to include a few ‘F’s. I need scapegoats.

Kofi Dubai (His Excellency in Showmanship and Communication).

Gilbert Adu Gyimah

February 17, 2014

Alberta, Canada

Gilly.gyimah@gmail.com