Countrymen and women, loyalists and opponents,
I didn’t know there was a place in this world called Bam – until the earth shook and everything in that Iranian city went bang. The devastation was fantastic. Forgive my cynicism, but I thank God for that big bang in Bam. I plan to visit Iran before I finally step down from the Black Star Stool so I am pleading with you not to show this letter to the Ayatollah. He has the habit of issuing the ‘fatwa’ on people who displease him, especially those who rejoice over his misery. Much as I fear the Ayatollah, I can’t help but rejoice over God’s graciousness in causing a bang in Bam. Don’t think me wicked or insensitive. The harm has already been done in Bam and the good book says that in all things give thanks to God. After the earthquake in Bam the Ayatollah and his people have learnt a few lessons and they have pledged to rebuild a stronger Bam. That is the spirit – always look for ways to take advantage of a negative situation.