Countrymen and women, loyalists and opponents each passing day draws us closer to the time when I will have to say ‘good-bye’ to you and become a private citizen again. When that time comes you won’t see me everyday on TV as you do now, my bulging eyes and croaky voice will all fade into your distant memory. You will continue to talk about the things I did and those I didn’t. I will cease being ‘the excellent one’. I won’t travel around in a high speed convoy as if the devil is after me. I won’t travel (unnecessarily) round the world with the taxpayer’s money and the number of beautiful girls I meet and ask for a kiss (especially in public) will be drastically reduced. Damn! I don’t look forward to that day at all.

But apparently, there are more than 20 men in my party who just can’t wait to see the back of me. These are men who just want me out so that they would be given a chance to seek the mandate of Sikaman citizens to come and sit on the Black Star Stool. In December, our party will stage one of its largest gatherings ever to decide which of the 20 men should be put out there to compete with the likes of Tata Mills for the right to sit on the Black Star Stool and take charge of the affairs of our dear Sikaman. If you are confused, I am talking simply about our upcoming primaries to elect a presidential candidate (I hate the word ‘flagbearer’; it makes the job sound like an unwanted chore when indeed, it’s all about perks here and there).

This letter is especially for my fellow party members who will be choosing our candidate for the next elections. I know it’s not easy but please you need to shine your eyes and be more thorough in your thinking before you decide who to vote for. Take the monies they throw at you but don’t let is sway you. Choosing a presidential candidate is not as easy as walking down the street and deciding what type of kenkey to buy. That’s why I am putting together this ‘guide’ to help you decide who to vote for as my possible successor.

So far, about 20 people have picked up documents they are supposed to fill out to formally state their intention to compete in the race for the baton to lead our party in next year’s elections. Some of them have already paid the hefty sum they are supposed to pay for dreaming – literally. I expect a few more others to go in for the documents in the next few days.

The almost two-dozen aspirants are not all serious people. I don’t even understand why some of them are bothering to even try when they know they do not stand a dog’s chance of winning. Three notables in this group are Nkrabea, Prof. Okay and Felix Apongya. I don’t know who has been deceiving them. They know that not even their wives will vote for them to be president of this country so I wonder why they are throwing all that money away. Nkrabea, for example, claims not to have money to complete his building project in Kasoa, yet he has money to pay nomination fees. I have been told that he and Apongya go about saying that if even Fukuor has been president, they can do better? They fail to take into account the fact that what I lack in eloquence, articulateness and common sense, I make for in my gentle disposition and my ability to device Machiavellian schemes to outwit my opponents. The point I am making therefore is that people like Nkrabea and Apongya are only in the race to add to the numbers and no one should take them serious. Prof. O might ‘know book’ but he’s as empty as our national kitty under Jerry Boom.

Amongst those who have declared an interest in succeeding me, there are some very bright chaps who might have what it takes to be president but will never rise to that position. These are the people with presidential minds – they know what they issues are, they have the solutions and they are passionate about people. Prof. Frempong Boateng, Dr. Ken Arthur and the Agyarko chap fall into this category. But seriously speaking, none of these guys will win the party’s mandate and none of them will be our presidential candidate because they are not politicians. In other words, they are too honest and too eager to solve the problems.

Politics in Sikaman is not exactly about solving the people’s problems, you know. It’s almost always about lining individual pockets, hoodwinking the people, creating jobs for the boys and wasting money on needless grand projects as well as making people feel optimistic even when all around them is crumbling to pieces. Frempong Boateng and co do not seem very interested in all these. So their honesty will be their undoing. I must say I particularly admire Frempong Boateng. I’m glad he’s in the race. I expect him to make some meaningful contributions to debates, but besides that Someone should tell him that he should have stayed in the theatre. The political arena is not a place for lambs like FB. It’s a field for dirty pigs and greedy lions.

I have introduced you to two groups of people so far, right? The first is made up those who are totally out of sorts in this race because they have been hallucinating. The second group comprises those who are very good but will not win the race because they are not politicians.

Well, there is a third group. I will call them the ‘try your luck people’. These people are politicians in every sense of the word. They’ve mainly served in parliament for quite a while and having worked in my administration and closely observed some of the inexplicably dumb decisions I’ve taken, they think that the presidency is a walk in the park. I’m talking about the likes of Omafo Sarfo, Akrapu and Manhack. I concede, I might have made it all look like a walk in the park but it’s not. Even if being president was a walk in the park, I bet you the delegates know that the likes of Omafo Sarfo and Manhack do not have the stamina for such an endeavour. So they won’t vote for them. At the end of December, we will thank them for participating and wish them ‘better luck next time’. One can only hope that they will learn their lessons and never try again. But I guess that for someone like Akrapu, there is nothing like “I’ve tried enough”. This is about his fourth time and I do not understand why a chap as smart as he is can’t get the point that no one wants him to lead our party into any election.

For me, the two frontrunners in the race to lead our party to the next elections are Nana Afoku and Alankama. My brother Addo K. also stands a chance but I don’t want him to succeed me. He’s only running because he thinks he’s better than I am. Afoku has been bracing himself up for this moment for years – ever since some coup makers kicked his dad out of power and sent them into exile. Alankama, on the other hand, is my boy. I have groomed him and if I weren’t so democratic, I would have done for him what Jerry Boom did for Tata Mills: publicly anoint him as my chosen successor. But I believe in democracy and so I want the delegates to decide. Both Afoku and Alankama are smart. They are politicians as well. And so they will halfheartedly do some of the things the nation expects of them and I believe they will go to great lengths to do what the party desires: jobs for the boys, kickbacks etc. I am also inclined to believe very strongly that Alankama will never withdraw my privileges. And so, please, vote for him. Afoku is my second choice.

Did I hear you ask ‘what about the others?’ Well, all those I haven’t mentioned are non-entities to me. Kwabena Agyapong? He’s too arrogant and inexperienced. He has nothing new to offer. Otanka couldn’t beautify Accra and he wants to run Sikaman? He can’t be serious! The vice president? Forget about him as well! I don’t even understand why I chose him as my vice president. He doesn’t complement me in any way and I wouldn’t even put him in charge of my (dead) goats.

Excellently yours,
J. A. Fukuor
(fukuor@gmail.com)