It is very tempting to engage in this rather destructive conduct. All around us, there is a lot of that happening, in schools, at the workplace, between us and our peers and on a larger scale the body politic of the nation.

It has in most instances done more harm than good. Renowned motivational speakers, psychologists and coaches on mental wellbeing recommend that the best comparison is to compare yourself today to who you were yesterday.

Here are some advice from notable personalities to parents and guardians against comparing siblings and peers:

1. Brené Brown: "Stop comparing your kids to each other and to other kids. It's a recipe for disaster. Every child is unique and special in their own way."

2. Tony Robbins: "Don't compare your child to others. Focus on their strengths and help them develop their unique talents."

3. Oprah Winfrey: "Comparison is a deadly thing. It's a way to wound ourselves and our children. Let's focus on lifting each other up, not tearing each other down."

4. Dr. Phil: "Stop comparing your kids to their siblings or peers. It creates jealousy, resentment, and low self-esteem. Focus on individual strengths and weaknesses."

5. Michelle Obama: "Don't compare your child to others. Focus on helping them find their passion and purpose in life."

6. Deepak Chopra: "Comparison is a form of violence. It hurts our children and ourselves. Let's focus on nurturing their unique spirit and talents."

7. Jim Rohn: "Don't compare your kids to others. Focus on teaching them to be the best version of themselves."

8. Les Brown: "Stop comparing your kids to their siblings or peers. It's like comparing apples and oranges. Focus on helping them develop their unique talents and strengths."

9. Dr. Laura Markham: "Comparison is a poison that can destroy our relationships with our children. Let's focus on accepting and loving them for who they are."

10. Michael Jordan: "Don't compare your kids to others. Focus on helping them develop their own unique skills and talents. That's where true greatness lies."

These notable speakers emphasize the importance of focusing on individual strengths, talents, and passions, rather than comparing and potentially harming our children.

That must be the approach when you are dealing with your child (ren). Only compare them today or now to who they were yesterday or sometime back.

Comparing them to their siblings does more harm than good. It doesn’t take into consideration the unique characteristics of each individual child. That certainly isn’t the way to help a child out of a challenge he/she is facing. Dear parent in your attempt to fix a problem no word (s) should be said in a jest.

Every child like every human being including your good self, if taken through the SWOT (strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, threats) analysis has points to contend with.

One may say that is too laborious to undertake, well the harm of doing things haphazardly is unquantifiable.

So, your child has Strengths Weaknesses Opportunities and Threats, you should know them and update them from time to time and make that the basis for your invention or interaction.

Not merely comparing them with their peers or siblings. As that portends danger, given that you may have inadvertently sowed a seed for an acrimonious relationship between your children. Spare them the agony of going through such a situation.

Comparison between them can easily degenerate into jealousy, envy and hatred among them.

Come to think of it, how do you compare performance in say Math of your ward in Class One to the other in JHS One for example?

It is so unfair and needless, the higher one goes the greater the challenge obviously. Therefore at a stage when things are tough, what your child needs is empathy and encouragement not comparison which seek to create an impression that their younger siblings are cleverer or better than them. Further exacerbating the stressful situation they are experiencing.

This approach also has the tendency of affecting the children involved. The one on the receiving end mostly the older ones feel hurt and hated. The success of the younger one is a nightmare for them as that may bring up more stress to them as a consequence of their being compared.

S/he gets to a point of not wishing their younger sibling success. Gloating over their failure either overtly or covertly, as that brings him/her some respite. You would agree with me that siblings must grow up wishing each other well and supporting each other.

That, however, cannot materialize if their unique personalities and circumstances are not acknowledged in tackling their challenges.

On the other hand, the one on the comfortable side of the spectrum, could easily become complacent and/or arrogant. This will most definitely affect them negatively be it in the short, medium or long-term.

So, you see, one action you take or took, can have dire ramifications for your own children.
Please, suppress the strong urge especially, when you feel frustrated about issues, to compare and draw conclusions. It is not a simple as that. It is a destructive button, don’t press it.

Compare them - if you really have to - to themselves. Urge them to endeavor to be better than who they were before now or today. Gradually with the right mindset they will overcome and become the best version of themselves, that you so dearly wish to see.

Acknowledge the strengths of your child and guide them on how to achieve more success. Train him/her on ways to surmount their weaknesses, either by yourself if you can or the help of a professional. Let him/her know how to seek out opportunities in whatever situation they find themselves in. Finally, support them in dealing with their threats as that is a hurdle all humans must face, in the march towards fulfillment.

May God make us successful parents. Ameen.

Rayhann Shaban

Parent-child Relationship Coach
Lead Education

Advocate Development Networks (ADN)