Kofigo: Neighbour, have you heard?

Ziggah: Heard what? Nothing!

Kofigo: Sshh. Quiet! Don’t tell anybody that I told you oo! You see, walls have ears.

Ziggah: If walls have ears, then we are in trouble! Don’t tell me anything. I don’t want to be in trouble. Keep your secret to yourself.

Kofigo: Whether you like it or not you must listen to me. We are in this together. So listen!

Ziggah: Please, count me out. I don’t want Kofi Adams to storm this venue with the NDC police led by Rose Bio Atenga.

Kofigo: But Kofi Adams is not here and I have not aired my views aloud.
Ziggah: Well, walls have ears. Kofi Adams has his ears on the ground. After all, the grounds we are standing on might be bugged.

Kofigo: Well, if this place is bugged, then we are in serious trouble. I might as well tell you what I heard. It is from one top official in the NDC. This man has told me many things, but I won’t tell you all. I don’t trust you. But I will tell you only one. I learnt the President called Kofi Adams to the Castle and there was some ‘katakata’. There was a shouting contest.

Ziggah: But this is not the first time that somebody has talked back to the President in a rude manner. You remember Francis Poku, Kufuour’s former Minister of National Security!

Kofigo: But he was dealt with in a decisive manner. It is time the President proved to all and sundry that the lion is not dead but asleep and has just woken up

Ziggah: I don’t believe you. The NDC is a discipline party. How could Kofi Adams talk back while the President was talking? The President is the most powerful person in the country today.

Kofigo: Na lie! A big lie!! My informant told me the President is being held hostage by a Five-man cabal at the Castle. The President does only what the cabal wants him to do.
Ziggah: If it is so, then this country is in serious trouble. But the President is the Commander in Chief of the country’s Armed Forces. He can call on any of the security agencies, even the Fire Service to arrest anybody, including the cabal which is said to be holding him hostage.

Kofigo: Idiot, nincompoop, imbecile and scallywag that you are. Don’t you get the message? The President is powerless in the midst of this strong cabal. Didn’t you realize how the cabal forced him to memorize this Year’s State of the Nation’s Address? That was why he did not mispronounce any word or name. His address this time was contained in a 30 page document.

Ziggah: But it was good the cabal made him memorize speech. The first time he delivered his address, he used three hundred and fifty five pages, and that was a lot. In fact, I am beginning to like the cabal who are holding the President hostage. But with the enormous power at his disposal, why can’t he escape?
Kofigo: You think this cabal of power brokers is as stupid as you are. Did you see that tall military man standing behind the President as he delivered his address? Yes, they put him there for a purpose. He is the cabal’s checkmate on the President. An electronic device is sewn into his uniform and anytime the President wants to play a trick on the cabal the electronic gadget gives a beeping sound or alarm.
Ziggah: But I admire the way the President delivered his address this time around. He showed the NPP people that he is indeed a professor! Those skin pain and pull him down NPP politicians were ashamed of themselves. The professor was indeed marvelous! This time around there was no ‘ecomini, ‘Ofumtour’ or ‘Ofama’.
Kofigo: But that was to be expected. The cabal would have subjected him to a much more humiliating experience if he has mispronounced some words. Yes, this proves that the President is indeed a good student and a fast learner. But I am surprised the President has denied ever making the pronouncement that he would put money into peoples’ pockets.
Ziggah: Are you calling the President a liar? Please, I don’t want any trouble. Kofi Adams might hear and pounce on us for calling the President a liar.
Kofigo: Na lie! Kofi Adams will do no such thing. He will even be happy to hear us refer to the “enemy” of his mentor as a liar. You see, he does not want to suffer the fate of his predecessor who was alleged to have been sacked via a text message.
Ziggah: Doesn’t the Bible teach us to humble ourselves so that God will elevate you? The disgraced Victor Smith was resuscitated by President Mills. If one door closes, another door opens. Victor Smith is now an Ambassador.
Kofigo: Are you equating the President with the status of God Almighty? This is blasphemy. It is “capricious” and “whimsical”. God has no rival. The fact of the matter is that Victor Smith was ”leaking classified information” to the Mills camp. When Rawlings got to know about such a “treacherous” character, he fired him.
Ziggah: Hey my friend, you are treading on dangerous grounds. Don’t you know we can be sued for defamation and slander? I don’t want what happened to Raymond Archer to befall me. I am a poor person who can hardly afford enough to eat.
Kofigo: But are you not a staunch member of the NDC? I hear they are compiling names to be put on the payroll of certain state institutions, organizations, and corporations. If you don’t know, then I am telling you. Go and ask your General Secretary.
In the alternative, why don’t you and other NDC members constitute yourselves into one task force or youth organization and seize some toilets or lorry parks. There is money in the running of public toilets. During Kufuor’s time, it was between C500.00 and C2000.00 to use a toilet. But now it is between C2000.00 and C5000.00. Wow! What a lot of money! By the way, what has happened to Raymond Archer?
Ziggah: The Court told him to go and beg Osei Akoto for forgiveness otherwise he will spend two weeks in jail.
Kofigo: But doesn’t he deserve it? His newspaper thrives on rumours and speculations. And he always claims that his reports are based on authentic sources within the corridors of power.
Ziggah: We appear to have forgotten about our original conversation. By the way, my brother, can you lend me three Ghana Cedis for my lunch? I have not had any bite since morning and the ungrateful stomach is protesting. You see brother, business is not thriving and the country is broke. It has always been pay this, pay that. I have to let myself secretly into my room through the window at night. My landlady has threatened to deal with me if she ever sets her two naked eyes on me. Electricity bill is GhC6 .00 per month, Water bill is GhC4.00 per month, refuse is GhC3.00 and toilet is GhC3.00. As if that is not enough, I have to cough out GhC20.00 to my land-lady for a one room “unplastered” apartment. How do I survive under all these harsh conditions? Tell me, brother! How do you survive with your family of six?
Kofigo: Well, the Lord knows His children and caters for them. But didn’t Mills promise to put money into the pockets of Ghanaians? Has he done that?
Ziggah: Na true you talk oo! He didn’t exactly say that. He said eemm, eerr, you see, it was like this … Please let me think a bit. Emm.. he will create an ena.., enam .. Yes, I have got it. He said he would create an enabling environment to make the lives of Ghanaians better. Yes, that was what he said. And I think, he has delivered to a larger extent.
Kofigo: Sure, he has delivered! If indeed he has delivered, why are you complaining? Very soon the very air you breathe will be taxed. Haven’t you heard the President himself is a tax expert and a lawyer? That is why he is imposing very many taxes on the people. I hear the more taxes he imposes on the people the more recognition he will get from the international community. So we have to keep our mouths shut, especially journalist. The moment he hears of one kind of tax in another country, Ghanaians must be prepared to pay that kind of tax.
You know all lawyers are liars and when they die, they will not go to heaven. My father himself was a lawyer and he told me that when lawyers die they are placed with their faces down in their coffin. And so, the President, being a lawyer and a tax expert has been lying to the nation ever since he became President. You know one thing? The Cabal who are holding the President hostage are the greatest liars that ever lived on this planet of ours. In fact, they are worse than Ananias and Sapphira in the Bible.
You see, the Cabal has lied to us that the President will be presented as the party’s candidate come 2012. Meanwhile they are grooming somebody else to take over from him.
Ziggah: But if the President is not going, then it is obvious his Vice will.
Kofigo: Fa … fa…fa … foul! You are wrong once more. They don’t want the V.P to go. My informant even tells me they are stifling the Vice President’s brother business so that he will not have sufficient money to support his brother when the time comes.
Ziggah: I don’t believe you. Where did you get this information from?
Kofigo: I have told you I have my authentic source at the Castle. A top guru of the NDC! And I am telling you the VP is just as powerless as the President. Both the President and his Vice are just pawns in the hands of this powerful cabal.
Ziggah: But the VP has the three Northern Regions behind him!
Kofigo: And I am telling you he cannot do anything! The Cabal has taken over some contracts the VP’s brother have in the Ashanti and Western Region so that when the time comes he will not have sufficient funds to help actualize the VP’s presidential ambition. As simple as ABC!
Ziggah: By the way, don’t you think Nana Darkwa, the okro-mouth panelist at that radio station deserves what he got for opening his mouth too wide?
Kofigo: See who is talking about okro mouth? You have more in your party than the NPP. Have you forgotten that MP from one of the Krobo constituencies, Nyaunu or something like that? What about the Accra Mayor who said the President called him and apologized to him? What about Rashid Pueple and that MP who said the President had promised them the leadership positions in the House?
Ziggah: Our own is small compared to yours. Do you remember one of your party chairmen who was aggrieved that bribe money which should have gone to the party secretariat were being channeled to the Castle? Yes, I’ve got the name. Haruna Esseku. Then P.C Appiah Ofori opened his mouth too wide to accuse MPs from his tradition of collecting bribes before voting for the Vodafom agreement. Quite recently, Arthur Kennedy also came with his own allegations or accusations in his book “Chasing the elephant into the bush”
Kofigo: Okay, let’s drop that subject since both parties have almost equal number of rebels and okro mouths in them. But what do you mean by Nana Darkwa opening his mouth too wide? What the poor boy did was only to recount some speculations making their rounds in various parts of the country.
Ziggah: Yes, they were speculations’. But he was presenting them if they were his original ideas. You remember what one Daniel Danquah Damptey claimed he did when he submitted someone else’s write up to Baby Ansaba who published it under the said Damptey’s name.
Kofigo: By the way, where is Baby Ansaba? I believe he has sought some form of asylum under the NDC Police. I think Rose Bio Atenga should storm has office and residence and drag him to court so that the judge will sentence him to about ten years in protective custody. The way he betrayed his conscience for pittance is reminiscent of what Esau did when he sold his birth-right to his junior brother for a pot of porridge.
Ziggah: Baby Ansaba has done no wrong. Like Saul of Tarsus, the Lord appeared onto him and he has now seen the light and repented. He will go to Heaven when he dies. He is better that your so-called stomach journalists like Kweku Baako, Egbert Faigbillie, Ken Kuranchie, Kwame Sefa –Kayi and many other jaundiced NPP journalists. The one who calls himself Daniel Danquah Damptey is gaining notoriety for always writing nasty things about the NDC. Baby Ansaba is far better than he is.
Kofigo: Baby Ansaba in heaven! God forbid! He will be the first accused person to be called before the jugdement seat of God when the day of reckoning comes. A man who calls himself a baby surely has a problem. When he changed his name, he should have called himself Kwadwo Besia. A hypocrite of the first order! He and Kwame Pianim have lost the respect of most Ghanaians by their utterances. A mere trip to Trinidad and Tobago and he has started singing like a nightingale. What would happen if he were to be taken to any of the Western countries?
Anyway, I don’t blame him. Who would do otherwise after the Vice President had given him so much money to pull him out of his misery?
Ziggah: There you go again! What you are doing is tantamount to slandering the personality of no less an important dignitary like the Vice President of the Republic of Ghana. He has categorically denied ever giving money to Baby Ansaba. And you are repeating it. I hereby denounce you. I denounce this statement. If you are processed before a court of competent jurisdiction, I will say that when you made the allegation, I was not there. I will have an alabi. Isn’t that the word?
Kofigo: The word is alibi, not alabi. Alabi is a person’s name. I still insist the VP gave Baby Ansaba some money. My source at the Castle insists money changed hands. Apart from that a friend of a friend of Baby Ansaba told me Baby Ansaba himself told his friend about the money and the friend also told his friend who also told me. The VP’s denial is just political language.
Ziggah: And I say, it is not true. You are a big liar!
Kofigo: I repeat, what I have told you is the truth, nothing but the truth. I am not a liar.
Ziggah: Then it means you are calling the Vice President a liar. I will not stand here and have you insult the Number Two Citizen of the Country. I shall not tolerate that. I will have you arrested. For sure you will be incarcerated! I will teach you a lesson you will never forget. I will teach you sense by showing you where power lies. You have goofed. I am the power behind the NDC. I have everything you have said here on tape. Your voice will convict you. It is true walls have ears. I am the errand boy of Kofi Adams. Just wait for me. God don punish you and your greedy bastards. Kofi Adams, come and see this fickle minded person. Rose Atenga Bio, where are you? I have a bigger assignment for you? This man doesn’t deserve to live amongst decent-minded people.
Kofigo: But neighbour, I have always thought you are one of the down-trodden masses. Why call Rose Atenga Bio to come and process me for court? She will do it with the quickest alacrity. Well, you can do that but let me assure you that within minutes after my arrest, the people will pour out on the streets and I will be released. I will be a hero.
Ziggah: You people are noted for boycotts and violence. What that Darkwa boy did was very bad and he deserved what he got. What was capricious and whimsical about the verdict?
Kofigo: Have you forgotten what your NDC people did when Dan Abodakpi was convicted and sentenced? Well, if you have forgotten let me refresh your memory. Now you listen well and good. “Lawyers in our party are looking at the judgement to see whether it was based on evidence so issues about the judgement itself will come up but I don’t think that there is going to be any appeal based on the amnesty. I won’t run away from the fact that it was a court of competent jurisdiction that did the conviction, but even then, I think it was an excess in terms of sentencing”. These were the exact words of John Dramani Mahama, then MP for Bole-Bamboi and the NDC Director of Communications, but now Vice President of the country. He spoke on a Joy FM news programme on Tuesday, 6th February, 2007. You can deduce from his speech that he felt his NDC colleague was guilty. His only problem was that the sentence was too harsh.
Ziggah: There you go again. Always indulging in one form of controversy or the other!. Don’t forget I also have this one on tape. The VP did not say any such thing. You are lying about the VP. Why do you hate him so much?
Kofigo: I am not lying. Go to Joy Fm studio and ask for the tape of Tuesday, Feb. 6, 2007 and you will know the truth. By the way, did you per chance hear what the top gurus of your party did when they went to Keta to show solidarity with their convicted MP? There was the ritual of women with their exposed breasts dragging their naked buttocks on the ground. Come and see women, young and old, slender and the ngozis, ugly and beautiful, tuntum and oyibo engaged in such solemn ritual. You see, ordinary members of the party were not invited. Only the top gurus did all the feasting of eyes on the exposed breasts and naked buttocks of women. They are cheating you. You do all the donkey jobs such as getting me arrested but when it comes to “luku luku” and “tochi-tochi” you are left out. O what a cheat they are!
Ziggah: Even if they are cheating us, we like it. Have we complained to you? Why bother about us? Even the Bible justifies what they are doing to us. Have you forgotten that the descendants of Ham were cursed to be hewers of wood and carriers of water? Ham was cursed to be a slave to his junior brothers. Well, I am telling you that we, the ordinary members of the party are the descendants of Ham.
Kofigo: Well, I will leave you to your ignorance. But did you have to arrest Nana Darkwa and process him for court the same day? Wasn’t that capricious and whimsical?
Ziggah: But you people have forgotten one thing. You arrested Tsatsu Tsikata right in the middle of a Church Sermon. By so doing, you took over all the sins of Tsatsu which I believed were many. Which is worse- storming a church service with a platoon or storming a radio station with a few policemen? O God, did you have to do that?
Kofigo: But we did not storm the Church Service. We only asked three policemen to ambush him after the service but the leader of the team being an old classmate of Tsatsu bungled the assignment.
Ziggah: Shut up! I am the errand boy of Kofi Adams. You are under arrest and must follow me to the station where we shall teach you common sense which even though is common, you do not have. I don’t have any arrest warrant but it will be in your own interest to follow me quietly to the station. Oya, lets go. The Regional Commander (Rose Bio Atenga) is here.
Welcome Madam. Here is one of the most unrepentant pathological liars who don’t deserve to live among decent-minded citizens.
Regional Police Commander: Good job, my boy. The Command will adequately reward you for a nice job done. From the little I have heard, this lair will spend many years in prison where the living conditions will be worse than Mandela faced at Robin Island. Which of our prisons has the worse facilities for a notorious criminal like this man? I want the place to be filled with bed-bugs, mosquitoes, termites and soldier ants. Look at his protruding stomach and his puffy cheeks. Is this not evidence that he has milked the country dry? There is no need to look for further evidence. They are here already. He has dipped his hands into the national treasury and got them tainted in the process. He is guilty, no doubts about that.

(The crowd chants: “He is guilty, convict him! Jail him! Castrate him! Hang him!! Send him to Kirikiri Prison at Apapa, Lagos, Nigeria! He is guilty! Hang him!! Castrate him!! To Kirikiri he must rot away!!!

Daniel Danquah Damptey. (danieldanquah_damptey@yahoo.com).